#1
the day had been aging
and we sat waiting in the shade
while birds swirled overhead.
each of us on opposite sides of a tree,
i gave you anonymous lectures of love
though i know words are never enough,
unless you're able to dress them up into something
which they've never been.
like i've had something to say,
i've said it in a million different ways.
i've sent the sentences in neatly wrapped packages
on which i even wrote your name,
and always forgetting to scribble mine.


soon i know the sky will darken
and you won't be able to read the words i say.
it won't matter if i somehow resurrect
the courage i martyred long ago,
martyred in the name of prudence.
you'll hear the voices of people
emanating from the city.
it's time for supper and to stop playing in the dark because
it's neither safe nor practical.
and out of that mosaic of voices you'll hear him,
the one whose name you know,
waiting at the bottom of the hill
to offer you warmth that rivals the sun's.
because, indeed, he knows
words are never, ever enough.
and i cringe at this sunset
because through its beauty all i see
is a twilight sky,
clinging desperately onto day
but sinking inevitably
into night.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Sep 20, 2009,
#2
Quote by SubwayToVenus
the day had been aging
and we sat waiting in the shade
while birds swirled overhead.
Kind of a cliched idea, don't you think? Sitting in the shade, birds flying around, love is in the air, etc. Not saying it's that bad, just that it's a bit cliched.
each of us on opposite sides of a tree,
i gave you anonymous lectures of love
though i know words are never enough,
unless you're able to dress them up into something
which they've never been.
Didn't like this line break.
like i've had something to say,
i've said it in a million different ways.
i've sent the sentences in neatly wrapped packages
on which i even wrote your name,
and always forgetting to scribble mine.
Like it so far. Some nice sentences and phrasing, but I'm not really into it. Maybe it's just my mood, but I'm not feeling this!

soon i know the sky will darken
and you won't be able to read the words i say.
Love it.
it won't matter if i somehow resurrect
the courage i martyred long ago,
martyred in the name of prudence.
Pretty decent.
you'll hear the voices of people
emanating from the city.
Why did you stop with the "reading" of words? Had you said, "you'll read the voices of people" it would've been better IMO.
it's time for supper and to stop playing in the dark because
it's neither safe nor practical.
and out of that mosaic of voices you'll hear him,
the one whose name you know,
waiting at the bottom of the hill
to offer you warmth that rivals the sun's.
Badabababa, I'm lovin' it.
because, indeed, he knows
words are never, ever enough.
and i cringe at this sunset
because through its beauty all i see
is a twilight sky,
clinging desperately onto day
but sinking inevitably
into night.


I don't like the ending, because it bores me and is so cliche. I liked the rest though.
#3
Quote by SubwayToVenus
the day had been aging
and we sat waiting in the shade
while birds swirled overhead.
each of us on opposite sides of a tree,
i gave you anonymous lectures of love
though i know words are never enough,
unless you're able to dress them up into something
which they've never been.
like i've had something to say,
i've said it in a million different ways.
i've sent the sentences in neatly wrapped packages
on which i even wrote your name,
and always forgetting to scribble mine.


soon i know the sky will darken
and you won't be able to read the words i say.
it won't matter if i somehow resurrect
the courage i martyred long ago,
martyred in the name of prudence.
you'll hear the voices of people
emanating from the city.
it's time for supper and to stop playing in the dark because
it's neither safe nor practical.
and out of that mosaic of voices you'll hear him,
the one whose name you know,
waiting at the bottom of the hill
to offer you warmth that rivals the sun's.
because, indeed, he knows
words are never, ever enough.
and i cringe at this sunset
because through its beauty all i see
is a twilight sky,
clinging desperately onto day
but sinking inevitably
into night.


i was going to go through this bit by bit but i think that will be useless as most of this is perfect as it is. there are a few parts in here that are a bit cliche and bring down the rest of the piece but for the most part its a great read.

"i've sent the sentences in neatly wrapped packages
on which i even wrote your name,
and always forgetting to scribble mine."

the last line here is a little blah i think, kind of cliche, kind of immature, emotionally at least.

also the last three lines of the piece, while fitting and poignant, still a little cliche and i think brings down the effortlessly creativity the rest of the piece contains. idk, maybe its just me.

overall though, very impressive. upon my return to this forum you were one of the very pleasant new surprises.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1201830
theres mine if you could say a word or none, it doesnt matter too much.
#4
thank you both. i'll do my best to rework some of the cliched parts. i agree that they sound a little immature.

i'll be getting to both of yours as soon as i can. either by tonight or tomorrow.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Quote by SubwayToVenus
the day had been aging
and we sat waiting in the shade
while birds swirled overhead.

To be frank, I hate the bird image. You introduce the birds here, but they really have no significance at all. We get it, you're outside. There is sky. I don't need birds to see that.

each of us on opposite sides of a tree,
i gave you anonymous lectures of love
though i know words are never enough,
unless you're able to dress them up into something
which they've never been.
like i've had something to say,
i've said it in a million different ways.
i've sent the sentences in neatly wrapped packages
on which i even wrote your name,
and always forgetting to scribble mine.


That whole last section is so meh. It really dragged the stanza down for me. I can forgive the "I've said/sent" lines because they deliver an important detail, even if they are fairly cliche and uninteresting (well, the I've said line is).

As a whole, I know this first stanza is a setup; I get that, but I still felt like it didn't deliver much of anything. I guess I could see the painting, but not appreciate it. Nothing here jumped out to me... didn't seem like there was much tone to it and none of the images or ideas where that vivid. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I got to the end of your setup stanza and didn't feel a desire to read the rest. I did, because I know I owe you some crits... but I should reach the end of a stanza that introduces the meat and potatoes of your piece and have no interest in where you are going with it. You're more than good enough to fix that, so I won't pretend to give advice on it... but I just think that my opinion on that might be helpful.


soon i know the sky will darken
and you won't be able to read the words i say.
it won't matter if i somehow resurrect
the courage i martyred long ago,
martyred in the name of prudence.

This line stuck out to me as especially weak in the second stanza. It also felt out of place. Telling me you martyred it in the name of prudence didn't add any more to the characters or this spiral of thought you are going down here. It just sort of was a speed bump in my read. Repetition that didn't need to be there, imo.

you'll hear the voices of people
emanating from the city.
it's time for supper and to stop playing in the dark because
it's neither safe nor practical.
and out of that mosaic of voices you'll hear him,
the one whose name you know,
waiting at the bottom of the hill
to offer you warmth that rivals the sun's.
because, indeed, he knows
words are never, ever enough.
and i cringe at this sunset
because through its beauty all i see
is a twilight sky,
clinging desperately onto day
but sinking inevitably
into night.

To be honest, this section was the only thing about this piece that impressed me. If you were to add something little to this about the narrator trying to use words instead of actions; this would be stand-alone. Hell, as it is, this is stand-alone. This fascinated me and made me glad I read past your opener. Everything up until this section seemed very meh... but here the tone kicked in and it read almost with an urgency to it. I liked that feel.



I always hate when people say this to me, but, I've read better from you. This seemed fairly uninspired until the end. Maybe if you had just posted the end, I'd have fallen in love with it, but the taste over all for me was slightly bitter and slightly sweet. I'm not a huge fan of bittersweet.


Jaded in sig if you want. Don't worry about it if you don't, I know I owe you some.
#6
Here, I love your writing. You're a big hit now too, so you're going to hear a lot of 'Oh, you're wonderful; this is lovely, everything is lovely; anything I could change didn't matter', etc etc etc. You also know I really really like you on a personal level so none of the following is personal. I like this poem, I do, I promise. That being said, I am going to rip ths apart bit by bit.


Quote by SubwayToVenus
the day had been aging
and we sat waiting in the shade
while birds swirled overhead.
This sets a tone I suppose but is a bit unnecessary; the birds aren't significant and give an opportunity to say something poetic-sounding but that can detract from the point
each of us on opposite sides of a tree,
this sounds really awkward in the mix of things
i gave you anonymous lectures of love
though i know words are never enough,
unless you're able to dress them up into something
which they've never been.
like i've had something to say,
i've said it in a million different ways.
i've sent the sentences in neatly wrapped packages
on which i even wrote your name,
and always forgetting to scribble mine.
On the contrary, all of this is essential to understanding the poem. Concentrating on some of the clumsier bits and making this into something pretty can allow you to leave out the birds imagery altogether and emphasize the very particular emotion caught in this moment. The clumsiness works on its own but it doesn't work with anything illustrious mixed in..


soon i know the sky will darken mehhh
and you won't be able to read the words i say.
it won't matter if i somehow resurrect
the courage i martyred long ago,
martyred in the name of prudence.
you could elaborate on this thought and make something really stick out of it; it seems like it's important but it just sounds like words when thrown in
you'll hear the voices of people
emanating from the city.
it's time for supper and to stop playing in the dark because
it's neither safe nor practical.
this is just kind of sitting here with no purpose as of yet
and out of that mosaic of voices you'll hear him,
the one whose name you know,
waiting at the bottom of the hill
to offer you warmth that rivals the sun's. MAKE THIS STICK OUT SOMEHOW
because, indeed, he knows
words are never, ever enough.
and i cringe at this sunset
because through its beauty all i see
is a twilight sky,
clinging desperately onto day
but sinking inevitably
into night.
you characterize the night/twilight in the middle of the stanza and then come back to it in the end, so it doesn't click on the first read. It catches on after another read or so but it'd be more effective to have directly precede the other. The sunset metaphor doesn't hit as well without the contrasting night coming into play, and it could be strengthened with a look at the order of things.


I'd rather you didn't change anything at all; writing is essentially just expression and it comes as it comes, the thought can get lost in editing. I like everything you write and thought I'd leave something useful.

<3 Saadia
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Sep 20, 2009,
#7
wow guys thanks so much for the awesome crits. i agree with a lot of what you said (especially the birds part). i also understand what you guys mean about the 'meh' parts so i'll try to un-meh them.

thanks again guys. i'll get to yours as well. i promise.
here, My Dear, here it is
#9
Before anything else, I just want to say that you are truly my favorite writer on this forum. I constantly look to your pieces for inspiration and I always read your new ones. Now, for this poem, I pretty much agree with everything that's been said so far, especially about the third line being superfluous. I also agree with the fact that in general, the first stanza was not very memorable at all. Now, my views are probably seeming almost too much in accordance with everyone else's but I don't care. The second stanza was really, really good. I especially like the last few lines of it. Though the light/dark thing is definitely cliche, I think you pulled it off really well and that it was a very good ending to the poem. I eagerly await your revisions.

I know this crit seems like just a load of fluff, but if you could get to my piece, I would really appreciate it.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1203614