#1
you went to canada on a whim and got filled with listless knowledge,
read some dostoyevsky and kissed a french man named pierre.
i sat in the states brushing my teeth and hair and trimming my beard in a
fogged out mirror listening to scratched out records trying not to care because
i know how they treat american women up there,
ladies nights and free bus rides to name brand motels with twin size beds and
lights that are purposely dimmed at all times.
you're probably wearing that red and blue dress i got you for christmas,
i remember how when you tried it on you
blended in perfectly with the lights on the tree that year.
i got a payphone call from montreal and a postcard from quebec,
you told me you got me a sweater with the canadian flag on the front and you're hoping that it fits, it'll look nice i'm sure, with all the blue jeans i own,
or if i ever go to a hockey game i will at least look the part
of someone who gives a sh.it about toothless men fighting over a rubber
circle carrying what were once trees now mediocre walking sticks.
your change ran out before i could finish,
i'd like you home this instant,
bring the sweater if you must,
i already have a hanger picked out for it.
Last edited by rushmore at Sep 20, 2009,
#2
Line 2, do you mean "Dostoyevsky"?

Other than that, this is flawless. I love it. You have a gift.
#3
whoops, yes i did. i should read the cover of his books so i can remember the spelling of his name, and thank you.
#4
I quite liked this, but I must say I found that this wasn't as captivating as your other recent pieces. I didn't care for the characters as much as I feel I should have.
#5
Really nice, I could see this somehow pictured in my head! Really wonderful!

"it'll look nice i'm sure, with all the blue jeans i own" is the only part that I didn't really like, not bad but somehow is a bit wierd!
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#6
You have the power, Rushmore (i should know your name, forgive me). You have the power to take the reader in and make us feel every one of your words. I was captivated from the start.
#7
I was enthralled with this piece up until the end. For me at least, I was interpreting this piece as a view into a relationship where the narrator's effort is not being fully reciprocated in his relationship with his, i'm assuming, his girlfriend. I thought you brilliantly displayed this too: she goes to canada on a whim, she kisses another man and engages in promiscuity in motel rooms. Moreover, he got her a kiss for christmas and she only gets him a postcard and some tacky souvenir. This relationship was what made the piece for me: the seemingly apathetic attitude that this girl has for the narrator. However, I don't feel like you drove it home hard enough at the end. I mean, I understood the end and all but I feel like it could've been done so much more forcefully to the point that you are accentuating how the narrator is oblivious to his treatment, how he shoves all his abuses into his closet to be hung there.

Again, this entire crit is contigent upon the fact that I interpreted the piece correctly. If I didn't, you are more than welcome to ignore it. Just know that I really enjoyed this but I was hoping for a little more 'oomph' at the end. There was some 'oomph' but it felt like a dessert that couldn't rival the appetizers and entree if you know what I mean.

But like I said in your wool hat piece, you are one of my favorite writers on here for your unique style and control of tone.
here, My Dear, here it is
#8
This finishes up so concisely and elegantly and I feel like I know you, or even better, that I am you. I wish i could crit your stuff without sounding like a croony little fangirl.


I'll start critting properly from now on. But for now... phew.
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#9
hey menry
there was is this the old desperation I'm used to seeing from you. It's merely about the facts, but mostly about the way you word them. Here, the first two lines show that instantly. The build-up and let down. That's really your strength imho.

i remember how when you tried it on you
blended in perfectly with the lights on the tree that year.

now those two lines kind of stumble upon themselves, I'd like to see them trimmed off or twisted around a bit. The repetition of you's work but not with that line break. as for the "that year", idk, it's definitely a filler to me, ruins the rhyme and you've already established time when you said "that I got you for Christmas".

I liked what you did with the hockey thing, I just thought it ran on for one too many lines. Right now it takes quite a bit of space in such a tiny piece when really, I don't think it's that much of an important bit of information.

Overall though I really appreciated the ride, I just thought it lacked the polishing. I don't remember if you are the kind of man to come back and touch up his pieces, but I really think this could elevate this a notch up still.

Alright, take care, and thanks for posting a lot again.