#1
c4c.


I've still got that old blue shirt;
the one I won with my
champion baseball team.
We took that tournament by storm,
complete underdogs.
I'll be damned if I didn't pitch
the best games of my life.

I can't even remember what the shirt used to say.
I've washed it so many times that all the words
have faded off. A testament to how important
that tournament really was;
they gave two dollar t-shirts to the winners.
I know it used to have my number on the back,
nine.
A white medallion of belonging
emblazoned on the navy cotton.
I was part of that team once.

And you know,
now that I think back to it,
the only thing I really remember about
that whole tournament was that you wouldn't come
watch me play 'some stupid game.'
You said you had better things to do than
to watch grown men pretend they were young.
Every time I called that weekend:
"Hey babe, what's up?"
"Eh, nothing just watching TV."

I guess that really was more important,
I hope you enjoyed it.
#4
"A white medallion of belonging
emblazoned on the navy cotton.
I was part of that team once." this one is really nice.

The end is a bit, too fast. Comes to suddenly. And like the other have said, it's really like hearing a story!
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#5
Mmmm I've never understood your line breaks but at the same time, your tone is much different than most of the writers here. So I could pick at those but I won't. I'll just accept them as Zach. Very relateable, dearie, as usual.
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#6
Wow, Zach. You don't crit often, but when you do, you really do.

I loved this piece. A lot. One of the better ones I've read from you lately (even though you haven't posted much lately )

I liked the nostalgic feel of the first two verses. I can totally see you as either an old man or a late 20s-30s man slightly depressed looking through his old things. Great flow, great everything. I like how you used the shirt as a device to introduce the next part. The shift. The shift came, I felt, a bit too suddenly, but that was exactly how it should be IMO-- suddenly (at least in this piece). I see you remembering everything and then BAM you remember the bad part and the memory turns a little sour and the last 2 lines are the bitterness that the memory leaves him with.

Good job..

#7
This is a really, really boring piece. It goes nowhere and when it does decide to go somewhere it's some arbitrary direction about not being noticed by your girlfriend at a basement. Then it ends, there is hardly a point besides you craving attention, which can be better executed instead of writing a three stanza bore-fest.

There's no display of technical prowess.
No display of emotional connect on a deeper level.
No display of experimental ingenuity or any sort of interesting bits to this piece.

This is more by definition a blog with line breaks than it is of poetry.

There aren't even any metaphors, everything is completely literal.

Oh well, another swing and a miss.

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#8
The line breaks felt forced and unecessary at times, Zach. The whole piece dragged a lot at the start, and I think that let it down. You needed to come in with just a little bit more force; it was too conversational, too flat. Then, about a stanza before the end, it gets just right. The tone set there helps build towards the ending, which sinks in with just enough understated strength to carry it through.
#9
I have to agree with Something_Vague and kdownes here in that I didn't really feel much in this piece. And I hate to spin the same advice you gave me on my piece but, I really have read better from you. I truly hate saying that but I feel it's the truth. Some of your pieces have hit me so much harder than this because, I think, this was way too explicit in its approach. Its lack of devices was not made up for by the tone. I couldn't get behind the narrator because there seemed to be too little emotion riding in the words.

I thank you wholeheartedly for your amazing crit on mine though. When I improve my abilities of understanding the technical sides of poetry, I promise to reimburse you.
here, My Dear, here it is
#10
Looks like the critics are evenly split. I like it. I really didn’t want to when I started reading it and to be honest, I was already thinking of the harsh crit I was going to give you by the second line…and then you got me. I get it and it rings true. Not fair, how am I supposed to crit that? Good Job.

C4C
I’m Above It All

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1204259
#11
Quote by Something_Vague

Oh well, another swing and a miss.



hahahahahaha, oh well.

I have to say I agree with matt. his points are valid and reflect my opinion, as you know it. anyway.
#12
I also think I may have to agree with Matt here, there were some good ideas in the piece but I personally don't think they were explored enough.. I'm sorry, I'm decently drunk (as usual) right now so it's hard to go in depth, but I'm hoping I'll be able to give this a good crit tomorrow sometime after work, but I'll leave it at this.. I think it's a decent piece but I think it has quite a bit to explore to make it a lot better. Again, I'm sorry for the bad crit.
#13
I really like the premise of the piece. really really. I want to see this reworked real bad. It needs to be truncated though. the power of the piece needs to be amplified because now its just a droning narrative and this can easily be done by condensing the imagery and feeling into a single linear stanza.

always good to read you
#14
I had no problem with this. It was far from memorable, but I like the idea enough to work with it in my head.

The line-breaks didn't bother me. But they felt like the only thing you cared for in the piece. It felt like you wipped it up in two minutes and posted it because it had your trademark... whatever... to it. The reason why i liked the line-breaks, is because they're different. They demonstrate effort upon your part. Like you cared enough for the idea to be thought out thoroughly.
#15
You said you had better things to do than
to watch grown men pretend they were young.
Every time I called that weekend:
"Hey babe, what's up?"
"Eh, nothing just watching TV."

I guess that really was more important,
I hope you enjoyed it.


lovely, lovely meaning there

all in all i really liked it.
I especially loved how it was all turned around unexpectedely in the end to have a totally different meaning
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#16
The story developed in my mind as I read. I could visualize the characters and relate to what they were going through. I am not versed in the technical aspects of poetry, but beleive that technique does not always apply to art. Enjoyed it.