#1
An individual grain of sand-
Stranded obliquely away from
Parallel expanses of sand and water.
Surreptitious waves sojourn on land,
Discreetly scouring for suitable victims,
While that little, gleaming grain of sand
Incandescent in it’s perfection,
Just sits there, waiting.

So similar to its peers,
And yet so different,
It is barely discernible
From the surrounding grains,
Just tiny specks of light.
Can you see it out there,
That little piece of perfection,
Surrounded by a sea of complacency?

It remains rooted there,
In its little niche,
Watching all its peers- one by one
Get swallowed by the sea.
All the while being scourged,

By its own supremacy.
Is it a grain of sand or is it me?
Last edited by tadashi at Nov 24, 2009,
#2
Quote by tadashi
An individual grain of sand-
Stranded obliquely away from
Parallel expanses of sand and water.
Surreptitious waves sojourn on land,
Discreetly scouring for suitable victims,
While that little, gleaming grain of sand
Incandescent in it’s perfection,
Just sits there, waiting.
Nice way to set it up. i like the imagery and the descriptions. Very nice.

So similar to its peers,
And yet so different,
It is barely discernible
From the surrounding grains,
Just tiny specks of light.
Can you see it out there,
That little piece of perfection,
Surrounded by a sea of complacency?
I don't like the question at the end. I would suggest putting the question first or removing it completely. The rest is good, esp. "just tiny specks of light." I never thought of sand that way.

It remains rooted there,
In it’s little niche,
Watching all its peers- one by one
Get swallowed by the sea.
All the while being scourged,
By its own supremacy.
Wouldn't the grain be swallowed by the sea with its peers It doesn't matter, I'm just pointing that out. I like the rest though. It really wraps up the ideas to make the last line really meaningful.

Is it a grain of sand or is it me?
This makes the poem.



Good. i liked it and there's not a whole lot of work you need to do to it.
#3
I like the metaphot, nice one man. I always did like stuff like this.
RIP Terje (Valfar) Bakken
#4
Quote by hippieboy444
Good. i liked it and there's not a whole lot of work you need to do to it.


I guess to explain what I meant by it staying rooted, I should explain the motive for this poem. At the amazingly dull age of 13, I'm pretty much the kid that slinks through the halls in anonymity. For this poem, I was using the wave as a metaphor for social groups. As every kid is slowly sucked into one group of friends or another, I stay stranded. Another meaning I tried to get through was that I might be a cool person to know, if anyone had the will to try to reach out. I know that sounds self-centered and stupid because I should be the one reaching out, it's just how I've been feeling recently.
#5
I really liked this, I got some chills at the end when I read the last line, because I'd never thought about comparing humans to grains of sand.
So thank you for your revelation.
#6
Quote by Blueslushee
I really liked this, I got some chills at the end when I read the last line, because I'd never thought about comparing humans to grains of sand.
So thank you for your revelation.


Thank you for the kind words!
#7
Quote by tadashi
An individual grain of sand-
stranded obliquely away from
parallel expanses of sand and water.
I don't like the repetition of "sand". I get your point, but there is a better way to say it, I think.
Surreptitious waves sojourn on land,
discreetly scouring for suitable victims,
while that little, gleaming grain of sand
incandescent in it’s perfection,
just sits there, waiting.
I really liked everything but the last line in these five ones.

So similar to its peers,
"Peers" is an awful awful word, but that's just my opinion.
and yet so different,
it is barely discernible
from the surrounding grains,
Meh to "surrounding grains".
just tiny specks of light.
Can you see it out there?
That little piece of perfection,
surrounded by a sea of complacency.
Again "surrounded"/"surrounding". This stanza is much much weaker that the first one.

It remains rooted there,
in its little niche,
watching all its peers- one by one
get swallowed by the sea.
All the while being scourged,
by its own supremacy.

Is it a grain of sand or is it me?
I liked this ending (except for the word "peers" again") Not only because it's an awful awful word, but because you repeated it.


Don't get me worng, I liked this piece, and I don't expect much from ots's. However, some of the things I nitpicked could use some work, not only for this piece, but for other pieces to come.