#1
My friend was telling me about a dream he'd had in which he was only inches tall and staring up at a window that seemed huge to him. He said that he had spotted a snail sliming across the window, and the ooze that it left behind made it look like stained glass-y. He was admiring it and he looked the snail in the eyes by accident and then he was shot between the eyes by a diamond bullet.
I know, it's a really weird dream, but he took serious inspiration from it and it's really influenced his life.
(Somehow.)

Anyways, I took it and wrote a song about it.
I wrote this in like 20 minutes, so it still needs a lot of editing, but it seemed like an interesting topic, so I'm determined to make something out of it.

Please Crit, and I'll crit one of your pieces back.
Thank you.



"I draw my ideas from a wishing well
The clouds can handle my head
A snail and diamond bullet once taught me
Guard closely the thoughts that you've bled

A trail of ooze across the window
A snare to those that dare to steal
Only fools would attempt such an impossible feat
because paranoia is all he feels


A snail and a diamond bullet
Gave me an inspiration
Bananas eaten before sleeping
Serve as prayer and meditation
Determination from a string of Z's
A revelation that seems so strange
But no ideas are better than these
But few pose such a threat


Leaning against a table leg
One accidental slip of the eye
A bullet pierces your skull
Oh what an awful way to die

Happiness confused for anger
A miscommunicated form of assault
One chalk drawn outline later
The diamond bullet has turned to salt

A snail and a diamond bullet
Gave me an inspiration
Bananas eaten before sleeping
Serve as prayer and meditation
Determination from a string of Z's
A revelation that seems so strange
But no ideas are better than these
But few pose such a threat"
#2
Quote by Blueslushee



"I draw my ideas from a wishing well
The clouds can handle my head
A snail and diamond bullet once taught me
Guard closely the thoughts that you've bled
Great way to set-up the poem... I like it

A trail of ooze across the window
A snare to those that dare to steal
Only fools would attempt such an impossible feat
because paranoia is all he feels
meh. Didn't like this metaphor as well. I don't see how "fools" became "he". If you were talking about the person who's dreaming, I don't really like the disunion of ideas... if that makes sense.

A snail and a diamond bullet
Gave me an inspiration
Bananas eaten before sleeping
Serve as prayer and meditation
Determination from a string of Z's
A revelation that seems so strange
But no ideas are better than these
But few pose such a threat
Really like this. The rhyming is really good in this, and the repetion of "but" works well.

Leaning against a table leg
One accidental slip of the eye
A bullet pierces your skull
Oh what an awful way to die

Happiness confused for anger
A miscommunicated form of assault
One chalk drawn outline later
The diamond bullet has turned to salt
I like the phrase "one chalk drawn outline later." A lot of people just straight out say "murder". I also like how you referred to the snail with the diamond bullet turning to salt (if that's what you're doing). It helps to show the disorganization and strangeness of dreams.

A snail and a diamond bullet
Gave me an inspiration
Bananas eaten before sleeping
Serve as prayer and meditation
Determination from a string of Z's
A revelation that seems so strange
But no ideas are better than these
But few pose such a threat"


Really liked this. Honestly, I don't see much that you can change.
#3
Thank you very much.
I'll look over that part that you pointed out and maybe make some changes.
You have anything you want me to crit?
#4
Quote by Blueslushee
Thank you very much.
I'll look over that part that you pointed out and maybe make some changes.
You have anything you want me to crit?


You just did. I was the one with the poem about grains of sand.
EDIT: shows how memorable my name is...