#1
hello
yellow bus with a cute green undertow,
that's my car behind you.
move over.

there's a dent in the hood,
like the flat portion on an apple
when it is dropped from shoulder-height,
before I eat into it, crushing the hard shell,
and getting diarrhoea because I forgot to wash the skin.
life is expensive.
cars are more expensive.

hot heat rests on the roof,
marmalade coats the windscreen,
pasted from jars by some vandal,
patterned into an obscenity I can't read (mirrored)
because i'm in and it's out, me
protected from everything else
by this tiny little windswept bubble
with long-ago dried-up rain marks
on once-shiny surfaces.

I bite into my morning apple
that is reminiscent of the sun
after it has sunken into a fishtank.
I drink,
fluid flows down my esophagus like a waterfall,
down into impure disgusting bile,
just so I can hydrate myself.
poor water.

sometime, somehow,
it's going to one day end up in the ocean.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Sep 22, 2009,
#3
I wanted to let you know that the playfulness of the first stanza is gorgeous. The rest of this was perfectly fine, but I wish it all had that kind of child joy. The funny, poetically right simplicity. It lollops in a good way.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
Quote by Laces Out Danny
hello
yellow bus with a cute green undertow,
that's my car behind you.
move over.
nice beginning. As digupherbones said, I like the playfulness.

there's a dent in the hood,
like the flat portion on an apple
when it is dropped from shoulder-height,
before I eat into it, crushing the hard shell,
and getting diarrhoea because I forgot to wash the skin.
life is expensive.
cars are more expensive.
I love it. Everything about it.

hot heat rests on the roof,
marmalade coats the windscreen,
pasted from jars by some vandal,
patterned into an obscenity I can't read (mirrored)
because i'm in and it's out, me
protected from everything else
by this tiny little windswept bubble
with long-ago dried-up rain marks
on once-shiny surfaces.
Beautiful imagery. Wow.

I bite into my morning apple
that is reminiscent of the sun
after it has sunken into a fishtank.
Beautiful.

I jot notes down that are reminiscent
of colorful cinematic pitchfork reviews
cocktail-mixed with sarcasm from a paper cup--
my cup, my mouth. I drink.
fluid flows down my esophagus like a waterfall,
down into impure disgusting bile,
just so I can hydrate myself.
poor water.
I don't the repetition of reminiscent from the last stanza to this one, but everything else is good. i would recommend changing the last line but it fits well.

sometime, somehow,
it's going to one day end up in the ocean.
Nice way to tie things up


I guess my crit is kinda useless because its such a great piece already
#5
thanks guys! any particular pieces you'd want critted?


Note: About the lollopy playfulness, I was 'inspired' by something I read on someone's blog, under "North Wales Poem" http://polarbearisdying.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_archive.html. It's quite lollopy.

@hippie: no, it wasn't useless at all.

@digup you've used the word "lollop" twice today in the S&L. impending piece incorporating that word perhaps?
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#6
I used the word 'lollop' at least three times in S&L yesterday!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
If you want to crit the piece in my sig, that's fine I'm not one for the whole c4c rule usually but
#8
I hate to be that guy who offers criticism without anything substantial to offer to help but. this felt wholly uninspired. lines were redundant, irritatingly longwinded, and boring. every word didnt matter, every line didnt matter, hell entire paragraphs could be cut and it would lose very little. this had no obvious purpose. this had no obvious direction. this had no obvious narrator. and this had no real unified point of existance. it left me wondering why the author wrote this in the first place.
#9
I haven't read any other crits, sorry if I'm repeating.

This read like a piece where you wanted to use every abstract and "cutesy" image you could possibly jam into one piece. There was no sense of purpose, no narrator or character development and really felt flat and uninspired. Like you were bored one day and decided to just write whatever came into your head. I'll give you the first stanza, it was imaginative, but everything else was gobbeldy-gook. You simply sprayed image after "artistic" image and didn't create anything to connect to or care about. Normally, I find a spring board in your pieces where I locate something for me... but frankly, I don't think you even found yourself in this. I can see where someone would think its fun or cute; but it comes off as shallow and ultimately way below your usual par. It's honestly hard for me to find any strength in this; because you didn't create any tone or life or vibrance in the piece... and that's usually what carries your pieces.

If I'm the only one, disregard me. You probably weren't that serious about this anyways, but I figured I'd weigh in.




EDIT: Oh and... "hot heat" .... really? That was lame.