#1
peppered with stars,
the night is porous like some drunk fired his shotgun
and littered the sky with bulletholes.
watching them gleam,
i squint my eye to gauge the distances between,
do a mental calculation and create an equation:
true distance equals who you want to be minus who you are.
and i've got extensive empirical results to prove it too.
like i've got this body and inside is a heart
that circulates the times you've bled to my legs and arms
so maybe magically i'll act upon empathy
to stop our blood flowing from a mutual wound.
'cause sometimes i don't see the best in you,
although i hope you see the best in me.
and you may have to squint
to estimate how far until i'm there;
it should be the same as the distance between seeing bulletholes
and seeing utter beauty on a night like this.

but you have to make the numbers work, that is.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Sep 21, 2009,
#2
Quote by SubwayToVenus
peppered with stars,
this line is unnecessary, the flow would be better if you just leave it out
the night is porous like some drunk fired his shotgun
and littered the sky with bulletholes.
love the 'porous' description and this whole image; this is very strong and can stand by itself without the first line of the poem
i watch them gleam and squint my eye to guage the distances between them,
break this up somehow, too wordy
do a mental calculation and create an equation:
yee
true distance equals who you want to be minus who you are.
I wish this was worded differently, just something slight; what it says is great but how it's said is a little clumsy and sticks out like a sore thumb with the lovely little rhyme up there
and i've got extensive empirical results to prove it too.
extensive + empirical = too much in consecutive words
like i've got this body and inside is a heart
take out 'like'; it works if you say it out loud but not in this format
that circulates the times you've bled to my legs and arms
I feel you
so maybe magically i'll act upon empathy
maybe + magically = same problem as before
to stop our blood flowing from a mutual wound.
still, when i don't see the best in you,
deep down i hope you'll see the best in me
you could say this a little more eloquently. I don't know if I want you to, because the simplicity makes it a little more personal and honest, but it could come off as clumsy too. just a thought.
although you may have to squint
to estimate how far until i'm there,
and it should be about the same as the distance between seeing these stars as bulletholes
ooooogh so wordy and clumsy in comparison to the concise lines before it; even that out
and seeing them as nothing more than utter beauty.
altogether that metaphor tying in to the beginning makes me want to kiss you BUT seriously, the wordiness of that one specific line is a cringe in a lovely moment. it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but oh how lovely it would be to not have that little moment of 'yuck'
that is, of course, if you care to make the numbers work
.


You owe me TWO good ones now
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Last edited by vintage x metal at Sep 21, 2009,
#3
Quote by SubwayToVenus
peppered with stars,
the night is porous like some drunk fired his shotgun
and littered the sky with bulletholes.
i watch them gleam and squint my eye to guage the distances between them,
this line felt too long, also I keep on reading it as "gleam and squint, both of them describing the stars.".
do a mental calculation and create an equation:
true distance equals who you want to be minus who you are.
and i've got extensive empirical results to prove it too.
like i've got this body and inside is a heart
that circulates the times you've bled to my legs and arms
so maybe magically i'll act upon empathy
I love how the character says he's got "empirical results to prove it", yet contradicts himself with "magically".
to stop our blood flowing from a mutual wound.
still, when i don't see the best in you,
deep down i hope you'll see the best in me
I don't really like these lines. I feel they're cheesy, although they probably fit in with the character, however not cheesy or non-serious enough for it to be silly and endearing.
although you may have to squint
to estimate how far until i'm there,
and it should be about the same as the distance between seeing these stars as bulletholes
and seeing them as nothing more than utter beauty.
that is, of course, if you care to make the numbers work.


the first two lines drew me in, there's a sense of gritty isolation in them, because often stars in the sky symbolize some faraway ideal, but them being compared to a drunk's shotgun holes gives a sense of earthly attachment. It's a nice image to start with.

the next lines remind me of an nerdy xkcd comic, with equations and all, but it somehow doesn't fit.

it's silly and funny statement, and slightly endearing, with a touch of naiivety, and that doesn't fit with the gritty pessimistic image presented before it.

I can't say i'm too fond of the following lines, the repeated ideas, the distance between the bullethole stars lines, feel recycled.


you may crit either one of the pieces on my sig, if you want.
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#4
thanks so much guys for the great crits. i promise to get back to each of yours (and Saadia, I'll get back to two of yours haha). I rearranged a few things and tried to clean up some of the clumsy/wordy parts in there.

thanks again.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
I really really liked this. Both the idea and the execution were great, there are just little parts to tidy up, that the other users have already highlighted.
#6
The last line is still phrased awfully.
I like the first line. And the image after it. The idea of it is great.
You spelt 'gauge' wrong.
I didn't enjoy the rest of it You've used mathematical metaphors without the things actually having any relation to mathematics, and so it's flimsy. They're without substance. For an easy reference, if you look at Zach's 'Better than Homework', you can see how that is meaty and gives you the full hit, whereas this lollops tiredly.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
thanks for the advice. i agree about the last line. i'm trying to iron that part out. as far the math metaphor goes, i understand what you mean about it being flimsy. i'm not really sure what i can do to fix it without shifting the focus of the piece around math because that's not what i want. i don't know....but i get what you're saying.

i see you posted a new piece. i'll get to yours as soon i can.
here, My Dear, here it is
#9
If it's not what you want, don't do it. If what you want is to project the beauty of the maths into the overall concept, do it properly.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!