#1
I'm peeling back
Marathon miles worth of scar and scab
And I can see you smile every time the skin breaks
"Hold that pose, Sweetie!"
That grin is ALL teeth
And that's just too damn bad
Because your baby blues shine
Like the Stars over Tulsa;
Restless and Discontent
With the way their heartstring bridges burnt

"Don't blame me! You soaked the ropes in gasoline"
Damn it girl
you know that Oklahoma heat is too much to handle

I'd be lying through my teeth
If I said I didn't miss the ambulance rides
With the pin-up nurse and the flashing lights

Flip the siren on
With those slender fingers
Well placed in the dim lit shapes

"Operator, what's the emergency?"

There's been a murder
At the old farmhouse
Looks like she did it
And she's headin' south
#3
i enjoyed this up until the last couple stanzas. the ending fell a bit weak and kind of brought down the enthusiasm i thought the rest of the piece held. so no, i dont think this blows dog dick.
#4
I have to agree with rushmore. I was digging this up until "operator". The ending was very anti-climatic and had no real punch to it. The rest was pretty enjoyable though.

And so you know for the future, if you want comments on your piece double posting isn't the way to do it. Please go read through the S+L forum rules and it will explain how things work around here.

Thanks.
#5
Hey, thanks for the feedback, and sorry about the double post. I like the last stanza personally and I see how it can be anti-climatic. Any tips on keeping it (because I honestly like it) perhaps adding more to it? I'm really trying to develop my writing so any feedback is awesome. Thanks guys.
#6
I did a rewrite, adding some stanzas, while keeping my ending:

I'm peeling back
Marathon miles worth of scar and scab
And I can see you smile every time the skin breaks
"Hold that pose, Sweetie!"
That grin is ALL teeth
And that's just too damn bad
Because your baby blues shine
Like the Stars over Tulsa;
Restless and Discontent
With the way their heartstring bridges burnt

"Don't blame me! You soaked the ropes in gasoline"
Damn it girl
you know that Oklahoma heat is too much to handle

I'd be lying through my teeth
If I said I didn't miss the ambulance rides
With the pin-up nurse and the flashing lights

Flip the siren on
With those slender fingers
Well placed in the dim lit shapes

Rest your trigger on my finger
A chromed out six shooter
Loaded with a silver tongue

Pull the hammer back, sweetheart
Steady your aim
Now pout those pretty pink lips and
Rest your finger on my trigger

There's been a murder
At the old farmhouse
Looks like she did it
And she's headin' south

I think those two verses help compliment the end, still is contextually accurate to the canon of that situation, and I think that the end is at least slightly more climactic upon reading, and I think when put music to it and make the end a southern-y breakdown, it will really add to it and emphasize that climax.
#7
Nah, I think the original is better. Also I like the ending too ( ), I like those kinds of endings and I don't feel they're anticlimactic. They tie it all it up, ya know? I really liked some of the imagery, especially in the ambulance. Although, now that you rewrote it I'm not sure I understand the plot anymore... Nice work though.
#8
Thanks, the ambulance part is my favorite too. I'm kinda stuck on the original as well and like the ending still, plus the other stanzas are good, but that's not how I wrote this. So I think I'm going to keep the original. The plot is really specific to events in my life, so it probably wouldn't make sense. But essentially I traveled a long distance (burnt up lots of dinosaurs...fossil fuel...ya know?) and got betrayed in several terrible ways by someone. Stuff happens though and life gets better
Last edited by jimmy388 at Sep 27, 2009,