#1
(Barely) educational note: Koroni is a town in Greece's Peloponnese region. There is a strip of bars, restaurants and sweet shops along the coastline, with eating areas on platforms overhanging the water. One of these does particularly good ice cream and baklava. There is a castle at the top of the hill on the cliff's edge which is also a nunnery, one inhabitant of which makes the most wonderful Turkish Delight. There is also a very lovely campsite, run mainly by the owner's wife and her friend, who I spent a lot of time with in their bar area with my laptop plugged in writing this stuff.

Koroni

jasmine scent floats softly over the ceiling of the sea
but underneath the seaweed seeks a heaven in the deepest deep

boats float softly over the ceiling of the sea
but deep within the rockpools coral creatures creep

bodies crash peacefully into the ceiling of the sea
but underneath apricot rocks crumble under crabs’ feet

the lights from the tourist towns illumine the sea
and violin strings shudder over changes of key

and baklava sits heavy in the belly
and baklava sits heavy in the belly

and octopus bodies hang from the quay
and the red light of the moon shines over the marquees

but underneath in the deepest deep weird fishes scream.
underneath in the deepest deep weird fishes scream.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 23, 2009,
#3
blah. perfect. i think i read this in one of the competition threads and was incredibly impressed. you should have won, but regardless, nice work.
#5
beautiful poetry, but as i said to somebody else, great poetry does not always make a great song. due to the nature of the word selection and such i would have an extremely difficult time sitting through this song if it was playing
#6
I've noticed a lot of poetry tends to allude to the past, with memories, which is easy to do, and nostlagia is such a powerful feeling to exploit. It's almost within the nature of poetry to "pine" (whether happy of sadly), and look somewhere else other than what is.

what I like about this is the lack of nostaglia precisely, it's very in the moment, this scene, and everything is invested in the present with strong sensory hooks, you've shown through this poem how the lack of attachment to everything else but the now can be beautiful too.
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On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#7
i really like this. awesome poem. i kind of agree with briman about it being a song. but i dont know. theres always something that someone will think of that someone else wont for music.
i assume illume" is supposed to be "illuminate." just a heads up there.
i really liked the diction in a lot of the lines. for example..."bodies crash peacefully." really cool image there, for me at least. im also really impressed at how you did the rhyme. i thought that was really good.
only thing that i think i dont like is the repeating "the baklava sits heavy in the belly." its the only one of the entire piece that repeats and i feel like it just doesnt fit.

anyways thats my two cents. take it as you will. i enjoyed it overall though.
if you could crit mine that'd be great. thank you.
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#8
This is not my cup of tea. I didn't get into this at all; and I can't figure out why.

I came in here to give you a real critique... and actually really dig into one of your pieces like I haven't in a long time... but this has left me ridiculously bewildered. I will get to your next one. I can't explain any of my negativity or anything towards this one.

#9
the italics pissed me off. I don't think this should have won the contest because I was in it and my piece was more awesomer than anyone gave me credit for. I would take off the 'the' that starts the first two stanzas because it waters down the lines. in the beggining of the third stanza, replace 'into' with a comma, it will read better. same stanza, second line, replace the but with and to show some progression in tone. add a syllable in the penultimate and final line.

the rest is really beautiful poetry Katherine
#10
I've changed some of what you said, Dylan; I didn't feel the comma worked in the third stanza, and replacing the 'but' with an 'and' does quite the opposite of what you said, and speeds up the change in tone, which I didn't like.

crzysnowborder and briman: it's not a song.

all, I'll get back to you on a day when I don't have as much work.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
This was funny, like it was really cute. I'm sure that wasn't your aim, but it came across that way to me.
#12
I can see where that comes from, and since there was no aim other than to describe the place, I think that's a perfectly suitable outcome.

Sorry about crits, guys, I will get to them soon enough, once I've figured one what work I have to do.

Posting the next piece, now. The last piece, now.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
Yeah, not posting the last piece now. Editing the last piece some time.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#15
CEILING OF THE SEA CAT IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE.


On a serious note I loved it, the imagery and scents - everything is beautiful and I wonder if the swaying rhythm is intentional, it works perfectly.

No crit, sorry.
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