#1
They have been walking on the street
Going through valleys
Going through alleys
Sometimes holding hands
Holding loosely tight
There were bumps on the road
So one of them fell in a hole
He asked for help, tried to take the blame
She couldn’t hear cuz of her fear
He tried so hard to make it clear
But her silence was just too loud
Her pride sacked him couple of times
He just got up and went right back
Her glasses are still blurry
This stinks worse than curry
Have no doubt in your faith tonight
Still lovin ur face
They couldn’t grow no more
Leaving all things undone
Tonight hes just lookin for the sun
Is just a star that cant be reached?
It just seems so far away from him
September has been so cold for him
.
Im so pleased u r feeling great
But none of this made any sense
Oh well, he cant do ...
On well, it feels like ...
Been letting it go through this pen
We are all responsible for our own endings.
#2
sorry, i didnt know i posted it twice and sorry for usin the wrong language.
Please comment, im accepting any upgrades or advices.
#3
I'm going to be blunt with you, and please don't hate me for it

Quote by icedd182
They have been walking on the street
Going through valleys
Going through alleys
Sometimes holding hands
Holding loosely tight
I don't like the rhymes in the second and third line. They feel unnecessary. We know they're walking, and that's enough. Also, the 'loosely tight' part is just you putting words together that are opposites; its not poetic. Try making it something else.

There were bumps on the road
So one of them fell in a hole
I see what your going for, but this is too ambiguos for me to be certain, which leaves the reader in the dark and defeats the purpose of the piece.

He asked for help, tried to take the blame
She couldn’t hear cuz of her fear
He tried so hard to make it clear
But her silence was just too loud
First or all, spell correctly unless you want to be flamed out of the S&L forums forever. That aside, this is bad. Not one of the lines makes any sense nor connects to the other. The third line also feels like its there just to sound clever with the rhyming, but it doesn't work.

Her pride sacked him couple of times
He just got up and went right back
Her glasses are still blurry
I like it but it doesn't fit with the rest.

This stinks worse than curry
Have no doubt in your faith tonight
Still lovin ur face
They couldn’t grow no more
Leaving all things undone
Tonight hes just lookin for the sun
Is just a star that cant be reached?
It just seems so far away from him
September has been so cold for him
This is very bad. The first three lines don't make any sense and don't fit in with anything you previously mentioned. The last six are still bad, but not as bad. The sixth line is just a rhyme for the fifth and a waste of space. The last line is probably the strongest in the stanza.
.
Im so pleased u r feeling great
But none of this made any sense
Oh well, he cant do ...
On well, it feels like ...
Been letting it go through this pen
We are all responsible for our own endings.
Your right, not much of this did make sense. Bad ending. Doesn't fit.


You need to focus on maintaining a purpose with your poems and to no get wrapped up in the fallacy of rhyming = poetry. Also, spell check is a wondrous tool.
#4
Quote by hippieboy444
I'm going to be blunt with you, and please don't hate me for it


You need to focus on maintaining a purpose with your poems and to no get wrapped up in the fallacy of rhyming = poetry. Also, spell check is a wondrous tool.



thank .. appreciate the time you took to review it, thanks for advices