#1
This song is you lying face down in the backyard
Lost your wind when your father hit you too hard
Left a mark, left a scratch, left alone, leave a big scar
Leave a mark on this world. Kid, you'll go far.

You left them all behind and went out looking for the future
Found yourself surrounded by the masses, feeling unsure
Lost a dream, lost another, lost yourself, lost your wonder
This is it, make or break. Kid, where's your hunger?

And here you are again doing deeds you were bred for
Picking up the pieces of the people you would die for
Dead at dawn, dead at noon, dead at night, dying once more
Kid, you've gotta wonder: in this world, what for?
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Sep 23, 2009,
#2
omg by far the best song ive read on these forms
Gear
2009 Schecter Solo 6 DSG limited 1 of 50 in the USA
Ovation Celebrity
TC Electronic: Polytune
Digitech RP355 Multieffects Pedal
Quote by HeyItsChenny
thank you very much, Seaweed
#3
this is great
"yeah, well, you know...


that's just like... your opinion man."


-The Dude, His Dudeness
#8
Quote by #1 synth
I wouldnt say anything close to as positive as these guys are blindly asserting. but I will say that I enjoyed it.



Thank you more so. I feel like your assessment is the fairest so far.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#11
Constructive criticism time!

This song is you lying face down in the backyard
Lost your wind when your father hit you too hard
Left a mark, left a scratch, left alone, leave a big scar
Leave a mark on this world. Kid, you'll go far.

Personally I'm turned off when somebody refers to the song within the song, but that's just my opinion. In lines three and four here I didn't like how you switched from "left" to "leave". I think it would work fine if you used "left" in each case.

You left them all behind and went out looking for the future
Found yourself surrounded by the masses, feeling unsure
Lost a dream, lost another, lost yourself, lost your wonder
This is it, make or break. Kid, where's your hunger?

No real complaints here.

And here you are again doing deeds you were bred for
Picking up the pieces of the people you would die for
Dead at dawn, dead at noon, dead at night, dying once more
You've gotta wonder Kid, in this world, what for?

I think the flow would be better if you threw a "the" before "deeds". Also the last line came off kind of awkward but I'm not sure what you could do about that.

Yeah this really wasn't much of a crit haha. I got kind of an Offspring-ish vibe from this. As far as songs that are posted around here go, this one was pretty good.

I've got a new one up if you don't mind dropping a line in there... *goes to get link*
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1204838

Thanks.

#12
Quote by rebelmidget
This song is you lying face down in the backyard
Lost your wind when your father hit you too hard
Left a mark, left a scratch, left alone, leave a big scar
Leave a mark on this world. Kid, you'll go far.
I'm echoing the statements of the previous crit. Make the left/leave part parallel to each other on the 3rd line and it might work a bit better.


You left them all behind and went out looking for the future
Found yourself surrounded by the masses, feeling unsure
Lost a dream, lost another, lost yourself, lost your wonder
This is it, make or break. Kid, where's your hunger?
Third line is my favorite here. Good stanza, nothing wrong with it.

And here you are again doing deeds you were bred for
Picking up the pieces of the people you would die for
Dead at dawn, dead at noon, dead at night, dying once more
You've gotta wonder Kid, in this world, what for?
The only big problem I have with this whole piece is the wording of the last line. You go from such an eloquent group of lines to something that sounds as if it were being sung out in a band it would sound a bit awkward with its delivery. I like the message it puts across with the line but I don't like the wording of it. Think of some alternative ways maybe that go with the flow of the song a bit more.


I'm giving it an 8/10
All in all I liked this piece a lot. Aside from the last line it was damn near perfect.

Crit mine? I'll let you choose between two
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1167055
or
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1204091
#13
Lespaul convinced me on the last line. I reworded it slightly and I think it flows a little better now. I'm not changing the left/leave line because it has a certain meaning to me.

edit: I've got to get to class, but I'll get around to all C4C action right after. Thanks again to everyone.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Sep 23, 2009,