#1
Like a dove caught in a storm on the vast seas,
held within a bottle made of glass
You aim for shelter in the hull of a wooden ship
only to find it's sinking fast

The things the children saw are coming back to haunt you
The words the children spoke still echo in the dark
The things the children saw are coming back to hunt you
The thoughts the children think are guns aimed at your heart

Like soldier in a cave after a long war,
hiding from a foe that don't exist
You crouch in corners, as paranoia subdues you
still waiting for that hater's tryst

You never know when spite will turn itself against you
You only know that when it does you're rather ****ed
You spread your malice now the youth, they are against you
You'll get your just dues from the prides that you attacked

Like a bastard cold and lonely on the sidewalk
with empty pockets, gut, and heart
You seek the kindness of the souls you tried to smother
it's not enough, but it's a start
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Sep 22, 2009,
#2
Quote by rebelmidget
Like a dove caught in a storm on the vast seas,
held within a bottle made of glass
You aim for shelter in the hull of a wooden ship
only to find it's sinking fast

Nice beginning and beautful worded imo

The things the children saw are coming back to haunt you
The words the children spoke still echo in the dark
The things the children saw are coming back to hunt you
The thoughts the children think are guns aimed at your heart

did you use on purpose in the first line "haunt" and then "hunt" in the third line? I think you'd rather repeat the line than change such a little thing, that you also don't notice if you only listen to it...

Like soldier in a cave after a long war,
hiding from a foe that don't exist
You crouch in corners, as paranoia subdues you
still waiting for that hater's tryst

at first I thought, why should a soldier hide from a non-existing foe after a war? but you made it clear in the other lines

You never know when spite will turn itself against you
You only know that when it does you're rather ****ed
You spread your malice now the youth, they are against you
You'll get your just dues from the prides that you attacked

I think swearing kinda kills the spirit if used in poetry...if you know what I mean

Like a bastard cold and lonely on the sidewalk
with empty pockets, gut, and heart
You seek the kindness of the souls you tried to smother
it's not enough, but it's a star

same with "bastard"... and what does "it's a star" mean? I don't think it makes any sense right here



everything else that I didn't mention was very good
...
#3
I think a word is a word is a word, and if I want to use a swear word, I will.
Thank you very much for the feedback, however.
Star was supposed to be start. I fixed it.
I want Super Saiyan abilities