her aura is an unusual one
and her voice, always smooth like wine,
calms me at first
but as the night goes on,
i'm sort of sickened by my thirst.

and when i wake up the next morning
i always realise that she's not for me
and i'm not for her.
still everytime i see her face
i just can't let her be.

because everytime she stands there
pretty but pale and thin
with eyes blue and bright
in a town far too dim
i think of who i was
when i was seventeen.

so throw my good friend john around
in a hazy, clumsy boxing round.
and when we're finished in the flowerbed
i can't remember whatever it was i did or said.

blue rose, blue rose
paint my face
blue nose, blue nose
there she goes
away, away, away, away.
i liked this a lot. although im not entirely sure why. i'll try to give some constructive criticism if i can.
im kind of on the fence about the changing rhyme scheme. i usually like consistent rhyme schemes but not having one can work fine too. so there is that.
the fourth stanza seems a little random. i dont really see how it has anything to do with everything that came before it. i like it but it doesnt really look like it fits. and the fourth line of it seems too long.
depending on how it's sung, the last stanza could be really cool or kinda lame. so i can't really judge that without hearing it.
overall i like it. i think its pretty good. especially for on the spot.

if you could crit "Elizabeth Harris" in my sig that'd be great. thank you.
Martin DSR acoustic
Fender Telecaster
Epiphone Les Paul
Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
535Q Crybaby>Fulltone OCD>Phase 90>EHX Big Muff>MXR Carbon Copy>EHX Holy Grail
You can call me Matt