#1
Mimic comp piece. Apologies to Kyle, I don't think I captured his style very well. Not sure what I think of it yet. Some of you probably owe me, I probably owe some of you. Oh well.


I've been hiding under a pillow of conscience
for the past few days, trying to mute
the bends and breaks that wander in
from across the parkway,
all the while wishing that she didn't sound
so damn satisfied.
She could cut the tension with a kiss goodnight
and a foreign taste on her lips,
but instead just tells me
she might give me a try
some other time,
as she turns over
and turns out the lights.

Laying there,
I realize that I've left the radio on downstairs,
stuck on a station that doesn't quite come in.
I walk down about half way,
stop and relate;
My girl is like this station,
the guy across the street is her Beach Boys,
and I'm the static in between.
That's why she can never get into the rhythm
when she's with me.

I finish making my way downstairs,
turn the radio off and curl up in a chair.
Now I know too much.
Now my pillow isn't there.
#2
I actually think you captured it very well. Like I said, it's like reading my work if I was a talented writer. The last part of the middle stanza, from "I walk down...", falters a bit however. It seems almost to switch voice and flow, just ever so slightly. Though I used to use them a lot, the ellipses don't work here.
#4
I don't like the last line of the second group.
The ending kind of falls flat.
The ellipsis doesn't work very well there.

Overall this is fairly enjoyable. 7ish out of 10.
Couldn't tell you how well you mimicked because I don't know the mimic-y.
Would you mind looking at another one of mine? I'll return the favor.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1197394
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#6
Thanks everyone.

Made a couple of small changes.

And Zach, don't forget the condoms this time.
#7
I actually really liked this. Especially the middle stanza. The last five work really well.
If I have interpreted the final line correctly, I think it works very well. It adds good closure.
I don't think there is anything I would change.

A look at Slowly Losing Interest (sig) would be appreciated.
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#8
Not like Kyle's writing at all. This was halfway decent.

I kid, I kid.

It pained me to read "is her beach boys"
I keep thinking it should be "are" but this is not the case.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#9
i thought this was all perfect except for

My girl is like this station,
the guy across the street is her Beach Boys,
and I'm the static in between.
That's why she can never get into the rhythm
when she's with me.


i just really didn't like that, it seemed a little cheap compared to the quality writing before and after that little section.
#10
i really love these lyrics they're exactly as i feel i just wish id written them :P
good work though mate
#11
Quote by bassbeat77

I've been hiding under a pillow of conscience
for the past few days, trying to mute
the bends and breaks that wander in
from across the parkway,
all the while wishing that she didn't sound
so damn satisfied.
She could cut the tension with a kiss goodnight
and a foreign taste on her lips,
but instead just tells me
she might give me a try
some other time,
as she turns over
and turns out the lights.

To me this first stanza didn't deliver much. You introduced a bit; but honestly it seemed so vague until satisfied and so meh after it that I came out of the gates generally not enjoying any of it. "all while wishing ... satisfied" that was an awful line. It came out so unnaturally. I guess to me, this first stanza starts out so "artsy" with the pillow of conscience thing and then it takes this violent swing to a sad reality and there is so little transition and the transition is so unsmooth that it came across as elementary and un-developed.

Laying there,
I realize that I've left the radio on downstairs,
stuck on a station that doesn't quite come in.
I walk down about half way,
stop and relate;
My girl is like this station,
the guy across the street is her Beach Boys,
and I'm the static in between.
That's why she can never get into the rhythm
when she's with me.

after "relate" this stanza went to hell. The delivery was shaky and honestly so cheesy that I couldn't take it seriously. It felt like a train wreck of half-assed execution on a decent idea. If there was ever a time I could tell you wrote in a hurry it was here. This had none of hte usual polish or class that you deliver... it frankly felt like something I would write for the free post thread in two seconds just for the hell of posting in the FreePost thread; that's bad. I loved the idea... I just felt like the way you approached it was with all the maturity and technical prowess of an angsty 7th grader. Sorry.

I finish making my way downstairs,
turn the radio off and curl up in a chair.
Now I know too much.
Now my pillow isn't there.


Without the build up from the beginning, the last part is just filler. Since I didn't like/buy any of your beginning... the last also was unliked.

Honestly, I've read this a dozen times trying to figure out why everyone is so fascinated with it and I can't. I find nothing here that reflects your usual talents. A "different" style or not... this came across as unpolished, half-assed, and generally sub-par for you or Kyle. There's an idea there... that could be well done (and maybe that's what everyone else seems to be loving); but this didn't deliver it... I felt no hopelessness in your character, I heard no angst... honestly, for most of it he seemed perfectly ok in his position just a little tense about it... until you mentioned curling up in a chair I didn't even have a "distraught" tone in the piece. It needs to create an aura and deliver more punch before I'll feel like you did the idea justice.

#12
Quote by ZanasCross
I felt no hopelessness in your character, I heard no angst... honestly, for most of it he seemed perfectly ok in his position just a little tense about it... until you mentioned curling up in a chair I didn't even have a "distraught" tone in the piece.


That's actually the feeling that I was going for with this character. Like he's known the whole time what's been going on but has been just overlooking it and has somewhat accepted it (that's how poor his self-esteem is). He doesn't fully understand the impact of what's happening until he comes to the realization that's illustrated by the radio, it's more or less marking the point when it really hits him.

You're pretty spot on with everything else. To be honest that's more the type of response I was expecting when I posted this.

I do still like the idea, so I'm hoping I'll get around to reworking this.

Thanks Zach and everyone else.