#1
trying something here

_______________________________
In the Mansion

Green tea and incense burning
I thought it'd help for meditation
or sleep-- I'd have taken anything, really.
door bell rang
a last look at myself--
do I look grave enough?

I welcomed you in, you were
smiling and made me notice
the scent of your hair,
it tasted like a cloudy day
the brand said something about rain...
you were
unsuspecting
why would you be?
I stood still, while
mechanically,
You slid through sheets
like through the lips of a buttonhole,
undid your bra
bit your lip a little
and invited me in

I offered you some tea.

there were cries and
tired explanations
you offered one last shower
where we'd get out and whisper
things about how good we look
in nothing but that one towel
I denied
you begged for one last sunrise,
one last morning breeze off the curtains
and into your loosened hair, while we would damn
the crying sirens of downtown Montreal

You went to the bathroom to fix your makeup
and came back offering memories, I
insisted that it's exactly what they were
"memories".
I don't think I'm boarding up
any window at all
I just think I'm looking through a different one.
You raised a few decent points,
where you pointed left
I pointed right, of course
I was right.
there was another one in your tracks,
and it was time you left.

with a foot out in the hall
and say-it-all eyes beating like
sad, sad drums
you insisted on giving me
a present you had brought
a small sack of herbal tea
and this tiny bottle of rum
I said I was sorry

I said I was sorry.
I realized how this was it
we were done and out--
out
finally out--
of the mirror mansion.
"Don't cry,
I just wanted to be clear enough."

I said, as I locked the door behind you
and returned
to my reflections.
Last edited by circular.parade at Sep 23, 2009,
#2
with a foot out in the hall
and say-it-all eyes beating like
sad, sad drums
you insisted on giving me
a present you had brought
a small sack of herbal tea
and this tiny bottle of rum
I said I was sorry

beautiful.

mirror mansion sounded so coarse. i think that line should be cut. would make the whole piece better. it is implied.

this meandered a couple times and some parts could probably be shortened as now parts risk sounding redundant.

great great poem Mat. powerful.
#3
I'm going to be the guy with nothing useful to add and just say that I really loved this.

Thanks
#4
where you pointed left
I pointed right, of course
I was right.
there was another one in your tracks,
and it was time you left.

That was absolutely brilliant

The rest was very good, but they won't ring out like those five will
#5
Thank you guys, it's well appreciated.

Dylan, I understand what you mean, but the whole purpose of this poem was my "take" on the whole "mirror mansion" concept. Mirror(ing) really is a key piece here. I can't decide myself to get rid of it for now, I'll give it strong consideration though. I can definitely see why it could bring the poem down a bit. Rewording would help, perhaps.

In any way, thanks a whole lot for the input.
Last edited by circular.parade at Sep 24, 2009,
#6
It's ruddy good, y'know.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
This is the poetry. The definition of what I like to tear up to.

Your line breaks, your twist on words, your enthusiasm for the opposite of what anybody else would want. It's so unique and pretty.

I would of loved to of seen more of the word "grave" from the last line in the opening verse. Maybe another play on it?

The "scent of your hair" bit was a truly unusual way of stating something simple. We all tell of how she whipped her head around, and took a whiff of her smell. But you did it so differently. I really appreciate that effort and thought. The idea of making sure of all the details doesn't seem like much of a task, but it's hard to remind yourself to always look at whether something could be rearranged into something more unique.

I think the middle of the second verse was trying a little too hard to be fluid, yet trippy, (like the ending) at the same time. It's good, but nowhere near the level of the rest of the piece.

Boarding up the window was a beautiful metaphor.

The way the second-last verses concluding line repeats on to the following stanza is so effortless and intricate. Once again, the detail in this piece is inspiring.

The ending is like a big slush of godliness. It just crumbles into each other, and I don't want to read any of it with a fine tooth-comb. It'll just ruin the vibe of intricacy spoken like a baby trying to rap.
#8
This is the best thing I've read here in a while. I haven't commented much because I've had very little time - I can only get on at school, see, because my laptop was taken away, and I've got tons of homework anyways - but this deserves it for sure.

the scent of your hair,
it tasted like a cloudy day
the brand said something about rain...


I don't know why, but those three lines stuck with me. It's just such a great image...and so beautifully written. As a whole, though, it's equally incredible.
#9
You really are an amazing poet, not just from your control of language or your technique or skill, but because you have a strong originality and style. Whatever you write, it's instantly recognisable as you, and that's something that most people around here don't have. If you're not published, you should be.
#10
i thought this was all pretty good, not one single part that was mind blowing but all together maybe.

I don't think I'm boarding up
any window at all
I just think I'm looking through a different one.

^that was my favorite.
#11
Quote by rushmore
i thought this was all pretty good, not one single part that was mind blowing but all together maybe.



I really don't think it's mind blowing either.

In any case, thanks for the kind words, guys.
#12
I'm a fan.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#13
i didint mean it like 'oh its not mind blowing so its not good'. i hope you know that.
#15
Mat. >:|
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching