#1
So i have two different sets of lyrics for a song i'm writing, and i'm not sure which one to use, so I'd like some opinions on which you think is better. Also, some constructive criticism on either one of them would be very much appreciated, and i'll be sure to return your crits. (The song isn't finished, i only have two different sets of two verses so far, i'm still working on a third verse).

The first set goes:

The mystic ripped when you kissed goodbye your keys, so conquered by a mist inside
The way i whispered "come closer" as the weeks and ghosts were weaning out the sky
And the storm outside kept warm the infinite hearts till it froze and forced out a weathered sigh
Your farewell left a bloodstain on the diamonds
So don't be surprised if i go crazy before the buildings and office hours
A prisoner of the friendly white lies

As the night ventured through dreams of still water beneath the white lines of Capricorn
And the midnight motions reflected silence like candles against the corridor
A figure leaning on tomorrow's sky looked deep into innocent eyes with scorn
With a cigarette dissolving in the starlight
And the children of Everest chained to the ruins of the Babylon tower
Singing for the suicides of sweet romance

This other set is more.. 'lyric friendly' I guess, a bit more commercial and easier to interpret, but I think it lacks a lot of the meaning the first set has. Anyway, I want to know what you think:

You know when the rain hits you like embers from a past love
Watching the weeks and ghosts wear out the sky
A tired heart could only take so much tension before it explodes
Your farewell left a bloodstain on the diamonds
Sinkin' into my mind while my vision drowned in the fast-flowing river of time
The ghosts dance beneath the wave

Footprints in the corridor where the angel once had roamed
Saw the peace in her eyes in the midst of all this black sorrow
A figure leaning on tomorrow's sky told me it was time to go
So I packed everything into a memory
And went on my way towards the promises that await beyond the horizon
But God knows I still love you
#2
I'd say go with the first set. It seems alot more intense and dark. Its also filled with imagery. That's the stuff I like in a song. The second set, although creative and excellent writing, seems kind of cliche. Like it's been done before. But in the end, it's not what I say, it's what you feel works better. Keep up the good work man.
#3
The first set seems more like it could be the passage out of a book, it is good, but it seems as if it would be difficult to sing and get good phrasing

The second set gives images and allows the reader or listener to expand on those images. Also, it seems like it will flow better in song form.

Keep on keepin on!