#1
commeee onnn skinnyyy loveee, what happenedd herree? c4c. ots. etc.

nova scotia
i sit in quiet wonder. what fulcrum holds my eyes
while they specify what part of the powdered sky
keeps my skins together? be it that you're dressed,
four feet deep in pines and wrapped in a snowy
smile or is it simply that with each stroke of the axe
you shake the timbers of my heart, so as to stoke the fire
and provide what little warmth i may? frostbitten fingers
can't hope to trace what fractional features turn my
breath to steam. was it not the loss of heat
that left my teeth to chattering? you said that
the white and the cold brought out the best in everything.

well, when our bodies laid against the snowfall,
and we'd spread ourselves as best we could,
were we not angels?

winter keeps me wondering,
while you walk away without a word.
#2
"and now all your love is wasted
and then who the hell was I"


ugh ****.
you kill me sometimes.

you shake the timbers of my heart, so as to stoke the fire
and provide what little warmth i may?

this part seemed a little too contrived and it sounds lost in the middle of the rest of it.
As for the rest of it... I repeat: fuck
I mean, it's like
oh my god what the hell should I do now
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
The second and third parts were good, but that first stanza was a doozy.
It was extremely wordy, packed full with run-on sentences and detailed imagery, it was too much for me to take in. I had to go back and reread it because I caught myself skimming.
#4
I don't like the full stop in the first line, or the comma at the end of the third. If you wanna keep that comma, put one after "smile" as well. Otherwise, take it out.

Other than that, great as usual.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Quote by greyeyedfire
The second and third parts were good, but that first stanza was a doozy.
It was extremely wordy, packed full with run-on sentences and detailed imagery, it was too much for me to take in. I had to go back and reread it because I caught myself skimming.


i don't understand this critique, i'm afraid. if the purpose of the poem is to paint the scene, then how is filling a stanza with evocative imagery a bad thing? i don't intend to come off as a dick, but i mean, if you want to read poetry that doesn't require thought maybe shel silverstein would be more to your taste? i know i probably sound like an asshole and it's not all towards you specifically, but i'm just getting really tired of a reader being lazy as a reason for criticism. still, i appreciate you reading and commenting at all. sorry if i'm being too contentious here.
#6
God, I love your writing. No exception here.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching