#1
C4C (leave link)


It’s amazing how streams change sides.

Once hated, now adored,
I fill my chest like a full craw
with words heard.

I heard

He’s the coolest.
He’s the best.
He’s the man of the fucking year.


And these words I hear raise my esteem,
long time stolen from hatred and failures
and rancor and pride and the ignorance
we’re fed on the best days of our life.

And they’re the coolest.
They’re the best.
They’re the flop of the century.

Because these words I hear that raise esteem
are said by strangers who didn’t know me
a week or so ago, where once I hated,
rejected and still accepted my fate.

But it’s amazing how streams change sides,
because once they rip my overfilled chest,
they’ll see the rotten words I kept
in days they met the best newcomer.

Yet when the comer gets weary and
you’re tired of his face and his hair
and his exaggeratedly told jokes,
you’ll see there’s a new place to poke the needle
with hatred and failures and rancor and pride.
You’ll see our guts remain intact
and the craw we filled has nothing left
but things to hate and mock and bash.

And he’s worse.
And he’s boring.
And he never changed at all.

It’s amazing how streams change sides.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Sep 25, 2009,
#2
There was no need to make "I heard" a different size. It didn't really add anything to the piece. I don't like the fact that you say the phrase "words I hear raise my esteem" twice.

Also, you start the last two stanzas with "But". Which just doesn't sound good to me. Makes it feel like this whole thing is a run-on sentence. But the idea was good, and the rest of the writing was good. Took me a couple reads to digest this one. If you wanna hit my sig, that would be great.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
C4C (leave link)


It’s amazing how streams change sides.

Once hated, now adored,
I fill my chest like a full craw Outside of the expression "to stick in ones craw" (which I think you're trying to twist here, craw is the stomach of a bird. Caw, however, is the noise a crow makes. Not sure what you're trying to use here, but "craw" isn't the right one.
with words heard.

I heard

He’s the coolest.
He’s the best.
He’s the man of the fucking year.


And these words I hear raise my esteem,
long time stolen from hatred and failures
and rancor and pride and the ignorance
we’re fed on the best days of our life. First time I read this, I liked using "from" instead of "by", the next time, not so much. However, it's a nice personal voice thing, so I'd keep it.

And they’re the coolest.
They’re the best.
They’re the flop of the century.

Because these words I hear that raise esteem
are said by strangers who didn’t know me
a week ago or so, where once I hated,
rejected and still accepted my fate. Not a big fan of "a week ago or so". The phrase is "A week or so ago". Having "or so" after "ago" doesn't make grammatical sense.

But it’s amazing how streams change sides,
because once they rip my overfilled chest,
they’ll see the rotten words I kept
in days they met the best newcomer.

But when the comer gets weary and
you’re tired of his face and his hair
and his exaggeratedly told jokes,
you’ll see there’s a new place to poke the needle
with hatred and failures and rancor and pride.
You’ll see our guts remain intact
and the craw we filled has nothing left
but things to hate and mock and bash. Craw again, still not the right word. Not sure what you're trying to say.

And he’s worse.
And he’s boring.
And he never changed at all.

It’s amazing how streams change sides.


I haven't left comments on our work for ages, mainly cause they're normally longer and I rarely had enough time to crit them fully. I have been reading though. I enjoyed this, but not as much as your older stuff. Back around the Valentine's Day comp, and the one you won WotW for, those were amazing pieces. They had style and originality. Lately, you sound more like you're trying to copy yourself, instead of actually be yourself. I hope that makes sense.
#4
First off, I wanna say that I completely loved this. I could feel such a tone of anger and betrayal.

I agree with Ganoosh that starting both of those stanzas with "But" didn't really sound good. However, I think that first "but" is completely necessary to the flow and meaning, while the second one could easily be replaced with "yet" or something similar. I really loved the repetition of "how streams change sides". Also, though I usually hate profanity in poetry, I think your use of it helped the angry tone of this tremendously. Other than what's already been said, I really don't see much to change.

If you could get to my poem, it would mean a lot.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1203614
#5
Thank you for your comments. Advices have been taken.

Kyle, "craw" is exactely the word I mean, in the meaning of a bird's stomach. Also, I don't think I'm copying myself, at least I don't feel that way, maybe they're becoming too personal to be fully understanded, I don't know.

I will, I will, I WILL return the crits on the weekend. I MUST !

Last edited by seventh_angel at Sep 25, 2009,