#1
Rose petal
swept from its home by a gentle tug of wind.

Rose
loses another daughter to taunting whispers
of a quiet, deadly killer.

Rose petal
guided by the breeze,
flips and flutters along a winding path.

Rose
saturates the ground with a tiny flow of tears
that carve a groove in its stem.

Rose petal
further along its bobbing, bouncing way,
lands in the hair of a little girl,
who,
kneeling on the ground in wonderment,
looks at a rose.
Dark red, the biggest rose she has ever seen
with a tiny groove down its neck.

Girl
picks a dark, beautiful rose
and runs to show her mother.
Feels a tiny drop of water on her scalp.


Another fuckin' shitty ots. I can't write right now.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Sep 25, 2009,
#2
It took me 3 reads to understand what was going on here,
I felt the idea of this was better than it actually was.
It was broken up and nowhere near as powerful as it could have been.
As it stands, there's nothing to make me care whether the rose is sad to have lost it's petal, or whether the petal is sad to watch the rose get picked. A short "sucks to be you" and I'm on my way. In other words, the rose doesn't matter to me, if that makes any sense at all.

But, this was still very clever and well written, certainly worth a read
#3
There was some good use of imagery and metaphors in this piece. The personification and ideas behind this was great, I enjoyed that.

The transitions between the Rose and it's Petal were good. I thought some phrases could have been executed better. I didn't really dig the "It drinks the bitter wine of its lament,
and grows a little closer to touching the sky."

The innocence of this piece was good, pretty solid.
#4
Your best OTS yet. I liked it quite a bit, yet the writing is rough. I felt the second rose verse was awfully written. bite me.
#5
The second rose bit was horrible because I forced the shit out of it. I'm currently meditating on a replacement for those last two lines, or whether I should just take them out altogether.

Thanks for the reads, everybody. Mamosa, next time you post something I'll crit it. Same with grey.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
I would tackle a smaller flower first if I were you.
If you know what I mean.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#8
it took me two reads to get it... but definitely worth it. an answer to a comment. is that first the rose is sad to have the petal gone. than the girl finds that flower and picks it. and since the petal is in her hair u can see that it is the petal crying. i liked the word innocent to describe this
#9
I can't stand the first lines of each stanza.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!