#1
i wrote half of this song while i was high.. the second half after i lost my best friend because of it.


the day the light died in her eyes
was the day the angels cried
on calloused hands and tired knees
she crawls through life.

Now take her out of the storm
the storm that rages on
through the cold of the night
we find reason
brushing past the haze
that smothers her thoughts

Asking for what i cant give
a light in the dark
breathing in, waiting for peace
to come and calm her heart


Now take her out of the storm
the storm that rages on
through the cold of the night
we find reason
brushing past the haze
that smothers her thoughts

Waiting for the drugs to take their toll
She searches for escape
Now as they reach their peak,
I look for my release

Sometimes the truth doesn't set you free,
but binds you tighter.
Backed against a wall.
Coming down from this madness.
Lost in a pool of emotions.
Waiting to resurface.

Now take me out of the storm
the storm that rages on
through the cold of the night
we find reason
brushing past the haze
that smothers my thoughts
Last edited by andrewjette at Sep 25, 2009,
#2
It's pretty, but I'd like to see some kind of story happening here.
Perhaps explain your identity in this, or perhaps the "her" in the song.
Give me some lead-in, something to make me care about you and her. Perhaps explain the situation a little. Why the sudden burst of emotion ? What caused it ?
#3
A major line I didn't like: "Now take me out of the storm
the storm that rages on", and it was made all the more annoying by the fact that it was part of the chorus. The repetition of "the storm" just kinda bugs me.

It was obvious that you wrote this in two different states of mind. My advice for the future is to write all in one sitting. That way you are in the same mood the whole time, and it makes the whole piece feel more cohesive. When you write it over several different sessions, it shows.

If you wanna c4c, you could crit the piece in my sig and that would be great.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
I like the lyrics and understand what is happening. I feel like the lyrics move to a different place towards the end, probably where you took a break from writing this song. I think that is a good thing, it shows a movement or change of some sort going on.

You might think about taking the chorus out from between the first 2 verses. In the second line of the chorus come up with a different word for "storm" could be as simple as "the one", will get rid of that repititous feeling people are mentioning, but still convey the feeling you are going for.

You could also change "Waiting for the drugs to take their toll" change "drugs" to "life" and give even more people a chance to relate, just a thought.
#6
I liked it a lot. The only thing I'd have to say is what was said above. You can really tell it was written in two different mind sets