#1
Background Info: A Hitachi is an old and now nearly redundant train of Melbourne's transport network, it still is in use however but appearances and occurances are rare.

C4C.

Hitachi
In another carriage
a baby screams in unison
along the line.

Suits pace restlessly
down the corridors,
while strangled tongues
linger

Outside
the land throttles
through the belly of the
machine.

This stranglehold
that Reverberates through
undeveloped tunnels
of the night.

Where many a person
are taken prisoner
down the tracks.

An old trumpet
shrieks among the disarray.
While the owner is left
waiting, his steps fragile
like the mutilated nets
of lost and forgotten ships
at sea.

The bickering is apparent
on the masked travellers
who protest profusely in the silence
that always prevails.

Upon destination
a loud sigh of relief
agrees in harmonies
as inhabitants make for
the door.

Like ants rapidly retreating
The place is deserted.
Apart from that busker and that can
That falls from my hand,
to the floor.

I suppose it was better off
not knowing what happened then and there
But I still think about it, from
time to time

somewhere.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Sep 24, 2009,
#2
I hate all of these random commas all over the place. They are just annoying to read through. It makes this choppy and disconnected, and not in a good way. Same goes for the -s all over the place. They add nothing to the piece at all, just another annoyance. Also, the commas are in the middle of lines, which makes it worse.

I stopped reading about five times because of this. I had to actually copy and paste it into a word document and take out all the unnecessary commas and -s to read it. Once I did, it was an alright piece of writing. Some great imagery. Take out all of that annoying crap, and you will have yourself a nice piece.

If you wanna crit the piece in my sig, that would be awesome.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
thanks for the advice, I was trying to add some tension I guess and more flow.

I'm just starting out so thanks for some tips.

I'll crit yours.
#4
I like it. Lots of really good imagery.

You're just starting out? Wow, you've got some talent.
#5
Quote by AlmostLikeLife
I like it. Lots of really good imagery.

You're just starting out? Wow, you've got some talent.


Yes this is my first time for writing some poetry. I love writing and literature, like all you guys here.