#1
I am the enlightened,
Clouded by ignorance and
Self righteous thoughts.
So assured of my worth that i see none in others.

Cast away outside theory,
For it simply can't compare
To that of my own doing
Envisioned at the fair.
Spin until all is unclear
And right seems wrong.
Dance or ride the waltz
The steps won't be too long.

Swiftly, fall forward to my thinking,
And i shall, regrettedly let you in.
Open
Feel the warmth inside my door
Light pour from uncovered lamps.
Textured cushions lure you in,
But none dare let you sit,
On the fence of indecisiveness
Whereas extremist views will get a seat.

At the front of minds the world over,
And they'll ponder the better response
To your demands of gold and diamonds
And haven from accomplished men.

But please, continue.
Dissonant from normal life.
Try to strike a chord like conversation
Fall deaf upon uncaring ears.
Mine, you see.
For i am that one enlightened.
I am that one not needing
An explanation of any sort,
Because i am the one who told you how to be yourself
And i will be the one who tears you down.


Please leave honest feedback. I started writing poetry 2 days ago so i don't expect anyone to see any prowess in this.
#2
Let me start by saying that this was good-very good-for someone who has just started writing. There are a few things you could fix up for starters that would make this piece much better without even changing any of the words.

First off, just because it's poetry doesn't mean grammar goes out the door. Use periods at the end of sentences, and take out the capital letters at the beginning of lines that aren't the beginning of sentences. This will make it much easier to read and put more feeling into the words. Also, poetry doesn't have to have short lines like this. There are alot of places where I think you broke the line just to keep them all that consistent length, when it would be much better if they were longer.

Now for the actual words, there were little smidgens of lines that made no sense at all to me. It may have been because of the capitalization at the beginning of every line, but the sentence "Envisioned at the fair" makes no sense. Read through every line and ask yourself "Would this make sense to someone who isn't me?".

You have talent. You just need to feed it with practice.

If you'd like to, you can crit the piece in my sig.



Oh, and welcome to S+L.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Thanks for the feedback. Envisioned at the fair was something really stupid because my brother was at the fair this evening and i couldn't think of a line. Guess it's not best to grasp lines from nothing and that's something i've learnt. I didn't think of punctuation that much. Guess i'll think more about it next time. Anway, i'm sure that my next piece will be better thanks to you man. Thankyou
#4
Dunno if this is really allowed but here's a revised version:

I am the enlightened,
clouded by ignorance and self righteous thoughts.
So assured of my worth that i see none in others.

Cast away outside theory,
for it simply can't compare,
to that of my own doing.

Dizzy and distrauhgt,
spin until all is unclear
and right seems wrong.
Dance or ride the waltz.
The steps won't be too long.

Swiftly, fall forward to my thinking,
and I shall, regrettedly, let you in.
Open.
Feel the warmth inside my door,
let light pour from uncovered lamps.
Textured cushions lure you in,
but none dare let you sit.
On the fence of indecisiveness,
Whereas extremist views will get a seat.

At the front of minds the world over.
And they'll ponder the better response
to your demands of gold and diamonds and haven from accomplished men.

But please,
continue.
Dissonant from normal life.
Try to strike a chord like conversation.
Fall deaf upon uncaring ears.
Mine, you see.
For i am that one enlightened.
I am that one not needing
an explanation of any sort.
Because I am the one who told you how to be yourself
And I will be the one who tears you down.