#1
I need any criticism. ANY at all.
==

I sat down in front of the school tonight.
It was the first time in a while I felt chill without you; actually aware
of the people admiring my ****ty piece of art
that once was a strat. I mutilated it on a
drug trip because my neurons liked the feel
of the strings and the smell of paint
and the gunpowder burning in my ear.

Her face had a complexion
that was impossibly soft
without your enhancement;
her eyes lit me skin on fire
and the way she formed her words
and slid them off her plush
lips made me die.

I didn't feel sexual though-
it just felt like alcohol being dumped
into my blood by the quart.
Finally, I felt love
without you.
{I don't think ****ing is necessary
I don't think getting off matters;
I can do all that with a guitar
and not have to talk}

I didn't enjoy her handing
my morality and my beliefs
on a platter but I don"t
care; she's still
more of a person than anyone
I made up in my head
or ****ed at some party.

I left feeling as empty as I usually do
but I'm getting my fix later; I know I don't
need it but I want it. I want it more than
I want her, or happiness, or ****ing
anything tangible. I crave.

I hope it kills me.
If she ever found out
I'd have to kill myself
in my next four lives
just to make up for the
disappointment.

The last thing I saw was her walking away.
Beautiful. Its the only word I can say before
I drift into my Utopian trance to describe her.
#2
i really like this. its really different i think. i liked the phrasing on a lot of lines. i really like the last sentence of the last stanza. i like how you described it. i just like how you describe everything in this.
one thing i didnt like was the line "she's still more of a person than anyone I made up in my head or ****ed at some party." it seems a little too informal to me. also i think the word ****ing was used too much. but other than thati think it's great.

if you could crit "elizabeth harris" in my sig that'd be great. thank you.
Guitars:
Martin DSR acoustic
Fender Telecaster
Epiphone Les Paul
Amp:
Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Pedals:
535Q Crybaby>Fulltone OCD>Phase 90>EHX Big Muff>MXR Carbon Copy>EHX Holy Grail
You can call me Matt
#3
This is incredibly well written, but you need to watch the line breaks. At times, they work, others they're far too abrupt and uncomfortable. That's about all that let this down.
#4
I know downes thought the line-breaks were off, but I personally love to see a writer take advantage of what's unique. The way you've utilized the breaks in pace is certainly different and quirky.

I didn't enjoy "strat" very much. I think you've put much detail into the piece, like we're hippieboys who know what a Strat is. It makes the piece seem overly confident. Keep it mysterious... is what I say.

The beginning of the second verse was odd. The third line doesn't feel connected to the sentence properly. It's jarring.

I didn't like the first line in stanza three. I dunno why.
There were a couple of other little nitpicks, but I don't wanna bother with them.. this was too bitchin'; the desperation and pitifulness was very well documented. Shnice, I say.
#5
My first thought after reading the first line was “I am too old to relate to this cheesy high school material.” I mean, I can’t even read my own from that period in my life. So much for first thoughts! I love this. Excellent job. I really like… “and the way she formed her words and slid them off her plush lips made me die.”

Very, Very Cool!

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