#1
as i walk down central ave
in tune with the city,
my nighttime menagerie;
and these cathode rays
bombard my soul
from across the street;
reservations, on both
sides of the glass

head down, stars fade away
in the red and blue cascade
of neon
taxi for a car crash, take me away

through this archway of
autumn torches,
we all burn down and
i'm no pheonix am i?
lights streak by my
empty eyes as i
divorce this scene, and recess
to the inside of
my pleather vault

i look at my phone

inbox is empty,
but so is the night sky...


if one only glances
Last edited by canvasDude at Sep 29, 2009,
#2
Reading through this, I wanted it so badly to be prose. It just seemed like you wrote this as prose and then broke it up into a poem. I would have like this much better if it wasn't in poem form. Your phrasing just didn't strike me as "poetic". The short parts were, but the two longer stanzas just seem like sentences all broken up. I'm not sure may just be because it's really late and I've had a long day.

Not to say it was bad. In fact, it's far from it. I like the phoenix line alot. Nice work.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Quote by Ganoosh
Reading through this, I wanted it so badly to be prose. It just seemed like you wrote this as prose and then broke it up into a poem. I would have like this much better if it wasn't in poem form. Your phrasing just didn't strike me as "poetic". The short parts were, but the two longer stanzas just seem like sentences all broken up. I'm not sure may just be because it's really late and I've had a long day.

Not to say it was bad. In fact, it's far from it. I like the phoenix line alot. Nice work.



Thanks, I see what you mean. You may not remember but started writing a few months ago, but mysteriously disappeared. Actually I was banned. Anyways, I'm back and maybe I should take your advice about the prose. It's been so long I couldn't get into my groove, and I actually had to reference my other poems to match my writing style

EDIT: I'm not sure if making prose would fit my style. I write everything stream of consciousness and like to add in a ton of stylized imagery and metaphors to tell a story. Often times the story itself is indeed a metaphor (as with this). I don't consider that very 'prose,' lol. Thanks for the advice though. I think I'm starting to get back into my groove
Last edited by canvasDude at Sep 27, 2009,
#4
Quote by canvasDude
as i walk down central ave
in tune with the city,
my nighttime menagerie;
and these cathode rays
bombard my soul
from across the street;
reservations, on both
sides of the glass
(I love this stanza. Plain and simple, beautifully worded imagery. Great job! I'm envious of this)

head down, stars fade away
in the red and blue cascade
of neon
taxi for a car crash, take me away

(I just sang this to myself, and I don't know if you're using this for a song, but this part is CATCHY! It would make a great chorus or hook)

through this archway of
autumn torches,
we all burn down and
i'm no pheonix am i?
lights streak by my
empty eyes as i
divorce this scene, and recess
into the inside of
my pleather vault

(Once again, your imagery is perfect. Great use of The Phoenix. Also I'd like to take this space to say that I like that this seems like prose broken into poetry, because I do the same thing stylistically)

i look at my phone

inbox is empty,
but so is the night sky...


if one only glances


Wonderful. I like your style a lot.
Here's a couple I've got, if you want to check them out.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1203843
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1206244
#5
Quote by jimmy388
Wonderful. I like your style a lot.
Here's a couple I've got, if you want to check them out.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1203843
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1206244


Thanks, I'll check them out. And yes the 2nd stanza is indeed the chorus. I wrote this after a 3 month hiatus so it was tough to get back in the groove, but I think I'm getting the hang of it again. It's written like prose because It tells a story that is both true and a metaphor for a something deeper/broader. Glad you liked it.
#7
Quote by rd93
I don't have anything to add, so you don't have to c4c if you don't want to. I think it's perfect.


Thanks man. I'll check out Heart of Steel.
#8
Quote by canvasDude
as i walk down central ave
in tune with the city,
my nighttime menagerie;
and these cathode rays
bombard my soul
from across the street;
reservations, on both
sides of the glass

it's not that big of a deal but leaving the period off of ave. is annoying for me
otherwise I like this stanza
a little choppy at the end though


head down, stars fade away
in the red and blue cascade
of neon
taxi for a car crash, take me away

I feel like the break between the second and third line would work better if you made it at blue. so in the red and blue/cascade of neon
the last line makes it


through this archway of
autumn torches,
we all burn down and
i'm no pheonix am i?
lights streak by my
empty eyes as i
divorce this scene, and recess
into the inside of
my pleather vault

i look at my phone

inbox is empty,
but so is the night sky...


if one only glances


I don't like the question "am I?". It doesn't fit the tone of the rest of the piece in my opinion and it's superfluous. I also think the last line is very uneccesary and ruined it a little for me. Into the inside is redundant.


There are a lot of little things here that could be done better (and I noted all of them). But it's your work so write it how you like. This could be made great with a little polish. I like it.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#9
Quote by rebelmidget
There are a lot of little things here that could be done better (and I noted all of them). But it's your work so write it how you like. This could be made great with a little polish. I like it.


Thanks, . Yeah, into was a typo. It was supposed to be to. I think I'll take your advice for the line break. I knew there was a flow issue, but I wanted to emphasize neon. Although I think it might flow better your way

Btw, any pieces you want me to crit?