#1
Ok, not sure if this is allowed but I posted it a while ago and got no replies. If it's not allowed tell me and Ill take it down ASAP:

A new song I wrote after listening to "A Looking in View" a few times

Untitled

By: CGB89 Copyright (c) 2009


The footsteps creep up on me,
Across the liquid floor,
A brittle man is climbing,
Towards the broken door,
The vines spiral up the tree,
Down to the blackened shore,
I want so bad to be free,
But still crawl back for more,

You, crawl across the jagged floor,
On your knees and hands,
Mirror, distorts twisted views,
Shards of glass in sands,

The silence burns through my veins,
Into my rotten core,
Pictures of you hide my shame,
My heart confuses yours,
To you, this is just a game,
A twisted mind distorts,
I can't remember my name,
Voice in my head reports,

I, scrawl warnings into the floor,
On my knees and hands,
Mirror, shatters wishful views,
Shards of glass in sands
Gear:
Squier Affinity Series Stratocaster
Epiphone G-400
Line 6 Spider
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
BOSS DD-3

"Wish I Had This" Gear:
Guitars- G&L, Gibson, PRS
Amps- Egnater, Bogner
Effects- Fulltone, JHS, Eventide
#2
Wow.

I just wrote a song with "A Looking in View" in mind as well (it's in my sig), but mine is based more off rhythm and rhyming pattern.

Anyway, the only thing I don't like is how you use "crawl" in two successive lines. I would try to use a different word.
Last edited by rd93 at Sep 27, 2009,
#3
How about "writhe?" In place of the second crawl? "You, writhe on the jagged floor."
Gear:
Squier Affinity Series Stratocaster
Epiphone G-400
Line 6 Spider
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
BOSS DD-3

"Wish I Had This" Gear:
Guitars- G&L, Gibson, PRS
Amps- Egnater, Bogner
Effects- Fulltone, JHS, Eventide
#4
I am wondering what you mean by "liquid floor", especially since you mention a "jagged" floor later on, which seems quite opposite. It may be meant to be opposite; I am not sure.

Overall I like it! Nice work.