#1
she sleeps sweetly
tries to imagine
us together
like nothing happened
she smiles and just keeps on passin
considers me worth subtractin
i appear to be no longer laughin
we see how your sparklin
im buried in my life of sin..( god look at me grin)
just try to breathe me in
you use to look at me like that
now i want to go back
get all these things on track
but your insides are black
( but my heart is black)
my thoughts lack fact
this designs a parody
what more can you take from me?
i'm buried in my life of sin..( god look at me ^_^)
just try to breathe me in..
#2
I don't really know what to make of this piece. It's left me sort of indifferent. I was really put off by the lack of g's at the ends of words. I don't know if they were deliberate misspellings or you just screwed up but if they were deliberate surely there should be an apostrophe at the end of the word to show this. That sort of set the tone for me, sort of irritated and really lacking anything that got me really thinkin'.
#3
Quote by porno dj
she sleeps sweetly
tries to imagine
us together
like nothing happened
she smiles and just keeps on passin
considers me worth subtractin This line clashes with the first. How does she think you're worth losing if she pretends nothing happens?
i appear to be no longer laughin
we see how your sparklin
im buried in my life of sin..( god look at me grin)
just try to breathe me in I feel like you overused that rhyme a bit too much. I also agree that you should use apostrophes.
you use to look at me like that This implies that she stills looks at you in that manner. Perhaps 'remember how you used to look at me' although that line is grossly over used here on UG.
now i want to go back
get all these things on track
but your insides are black
( but my heart is black) Perhaps not using black two times would be better. It feels too forced/artificial.
my thoughts lack fact
this designs a parody I don't understand these two lines. If you wouldn't mind explaining...
what more can you take from me?
i'm buried in my life of sin..( god look at me ^_^)
just try to breathe me in..


All in all, not bad. The main idea is quite clear, and there are some nice lines. Btw, if you wouldn't mind checking out the first piece in my sig (Neon/Taxi for a Car Crash).