#1
At the topmost balcony, I looked out onto the horizon
and watched things become more and more like death -
everything growing in size and yet
vanishing to a thin line
of no existence,
so vast and
yet just
.

The waves of distant lands rolled in carrying
mermaid whispers and tales of the afterlife -
only the sea knew of the secret to heaven, for
it kissed the sky at the ends of the earth...


And so, I made my life infinite and
stepped off the balcony rail.
Bones crashing
I am so much larger
I am so much larger
than I once was

and like dust particles, my soul shatters and dances off into the sun.
Quote by Arthur Curry
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#2
Quote by vintage x metal
At the topmost balcony, I looked out onto the horizon
and watched things become more and more like death -
I think you immediately give too much information by mentioning the 'balcony'. It straight away causes the reader to create presumptions, not really giving you a chance to say what you want to say about it as effectively... if that makes sense.
everything growing in size and yet
vanishing to a thin line
of no existence,
so vast and
yet just
.
At first I didn't like the way this trails off, but on second thoughts, I think it's quite effective as to the mood of the piece. It gave me the impression of someone starting to think and just each time getting lost, almost resigning.

The waves of distant lands rolled in carrying
mermaid whispers and tales of the afterlife -
only the sea knew of the secret to heaven, for
it kissed the sky at the ends of the earth...
"tales of the afterlife" and "secret to heaven" ruined this stanza for me. If you replaced these two phrases, I think the whole stanza could be much, much better.


And so, I made my life infinite and
stepped off the balcony rail.
Bones crashing
I am so much larger
I am so much larger
than I once was
The abruptness of this stanza was good. The previous stanza doesn't lead into it too obviously, which creates a very nice effect. This was the best stanza in the piece, I really liked it.

and like dust particles, my soul shatters and dances off into the sun.
Didn't like "soul", but other than that, this was a nice way to end the piece.


The more I looked into things and thought about them, the more I liked this piece as a whole. Well done.
#3
Quote by vintage x metal
At the topmost balcony, I looked out onto the horizon
and watched things become more and more like death -
everything growing in size and yet
vanishing to a thin line
of no existence,
so vast and
yet just
.
I think you can get the vanishing across without the gimmicky line breaks and full stop. It's been done so many times before that it just isn't effective anymore. 'Just' came too quickly.

The waves of distant lands rolled in carrying
'rolled in carrying' has a comedic tone in it to me that I'm sure isn't meant to be there
mermaid whispers and tales of the afterlife -
only the sea knew of the secret to heaven, for
it kissed the sky at the ends of the earth...
The ellipsis was silly. This could be so, so beautiful, but it's tarnished by 'beautiful' langauge and phrasing; 'tales of the afterlife', 'for'. Instead of 'tales of the afterlife', perhaps say 'stories'. This is more childlike and alliterates with the line after it


And so, I made my life infinite and
stepped off the balcony rail.
Bones crashing
I am so much larger
I am so much larger
than I once was


and like dust particles, my soul shatters and dances off into the sun.
dust particles 'shatter'? Not that I know about. Therefore you can get rid of the silly cliche.


It's nice. It's nice in a way that some knots are left untied. But, you know, it could be better.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
I agree that you shouldn't mention the balcony the first time. I see that you want to keep that first line the longest; I would suggest something to describe your thoughts as you look out the window, not something that automatically gives away your place in the setting.

I also agree that dust particles don't shatter; maybe use something like glass?

Other than that, I thought it was an amazing piece. If you feel like it, could you check out one of the works in my sig?
#5
At the topmost balcony, I looked out onto the horizon
and watched things become more and more like death -
everything growing in size and yet
vanishing to a thin line
of no existence,
so vast and
yet just
.
I was having trouble picturing this image in my head and the dichotomy of things growing yet vanishing. However, that is probably speaking more to my deficiencies as a reader. What I liked about this stanza was the mood it sets up, one that is foreboding and ominous. I just couldn't wrap my head around the image and it is really frustrating me

The waves of distant lands rolled in carrying
mermaid whispers and tales of the afterlife -
only the sea knew of the secret to heaven, for
it kissed the sky at the ends of the earth...
I loved the last two lines and the connection you made there. I have to agree with those above me in that phrases like "tales of the afterlife" I think give off a vibe that wasn't intended. It feels too grandiose and too detached and I just can't into that type of phrasing. I don't feel anything from it.


And so, I made my life infinite and
stepped off the balcony rail.
Bones crashing
I am so much larger
I am so much larger
than I once was

and like dust particles, my soul shatters and dances off into the sun.
I liked how you brought the vast-small dichotomy around again. I'm starting to see what you're getting at with it and I'm digging it. I really am. I thought everything ended up really nicely and it gave me some more insight into the image you established in the first stanza. The repetition I thought was well placed as was the stanza break. Moreover, I liked the connection between "bones crashing" and "soul shattering". That type of parallelism really did it for me along with the "making my life infinite" line in that you were able to connect the finite and mortal with the infinite and eternal aspects of us and reflect upon it. This last stanza was the best in my opinion. Well done.


Overall, I really enjoyed it. I love how you can take these philosophical and profound ideas and really make them your own.
here, My Dear, here it is