#1
Hey everyone, haven't posted (or really written) anything for a while. Finished this one up a couple weeks ago so I figured I'd get some opinions!

Its Not the End Unless You Want It

Verse 1:

This is the last time
The last time I'll ask why.
You see, I've found that I
Am only hurting myself by trying to help
I suppose that this could
Work out in the end
But today is not the day to wonder,
I would rather close my eyes
And slip away.

Verse 2:

You need to understand that
This is not the end.
I've said those words enough
To know that I don't mean them anyway.
How can you not see this is
Breaking my heart too?
It might as well be suicide
But I think my mind
Is ready for the break.

Chorus:

This is not the end
Unless you want it to be.
No, its not the end
I just need time to get away and
Clear my head.
Please just wait and believe me
When I say I'll be back and
This is not the end
Unless you want it to be.
No, its not the end
Well at least its not to me.

Verse 2:

I have been so confused
And frankly don't know why
But if I had to take a guess
I'd point the cliche'd finger at myself.
Overcomplicating
Seems to be my impulse curse.
It made me push you away
So many times
And today's been just the same.

Chorus

Outro:

Oh, this is the last time
So for now I'll say goodbye
'Til later.
Quote by necrosis1193
As usual Natrone's mouth spouts general win.

Quote by Silverstein14
man, Natrone you're some kind of ninja I swear


Quote by gregs1020
plexi


i realize the longshot that is. little giant to humongous one.


Rest In Peace Stevie Ray
#2
I like the piece as a whole but I don't know how well it would work as a song. It seems like it doesn't have the rhythm or consistency needed to be a song, but as a free verse poem it would be a very good piece. In particular I feel the best line of the piece is the final two lines of the chorus. It strikes a familiar chord to most people who have been in relationships at a turning point and you conveyed the emotion of that very well.

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1182619
#3
Quote by Natrone
Hey everyone, haven't posted (or really written) anything for a while. Finished this one up a couple weeks ago so I figured I'd get some opinions!

Its Not the End Unless You Want It

Verse 1:

This is the last time
The last time I'll ask why.
You see, I've found that I
Am only hurting myself by trying to help
I suppose that this could
Work out in the end
But today is not the day to wonder,
I would rather close my eyes
And slip away.
Not bad.

Verse 2:

You need to understand that
This is not the end.
I've said those words enough
To know that I don't mean them anyway.
How can you not see this is
Breaking my heart too?
It might as well be suicide
But I think my mind
Is ready for the break.
Again, not bad. It's okay, but nothing really impressive.

Chorus:

This is not the end
Unless you want it to be.
No, its not the end
I just need time to get away and
Clear my head.
Please just wait and believe me
When I say I'll be back and
This is not the end
Unless you want it to be.
No, its not the end
Well at least its not to me.
Pretty good; I can see the end of the chorus working really well if the singer kind of trails off with the last line.

Verse 3:

I have been so confused
And frankly don't know why
But if I had to take a guess
I'd point the cliche'd finger at myself.
Overcomplicating
Seems to be my impulse curse.
It made me push you away
So many times
And today's been just the same.
Again, nothing really impressive, but it's still good.

Chorus

Outro:

Oh, this is the last time
So for now I'll say goodbye
'Til later.
I'm not sure on the last line here.


Overall, it's decent, but nothing overly impressive or memorable as is.

C4C? The link's in my sig.
#4
it's easy to relate to, that's for sure. i liked the first two verses a lot more than the second two verses. not really sure. and i wasn't a fan of the way the outro was worded, i dunno. i enjoyed it as a whole though. my latest is hold on, if you don't mind reading
#5
I'll admit that the song seems odd and awkward in words without any idea of the sound. Its acoustic, fingerpicked, and quite frankly depressing sounding. It has an overall flow when put to the melody, but its got kind of an awkward, gawky feel that I wanted. The idea is that the lyrics are just the words pouring out of someone who is totally exhausted with a relationship and a bit angry and sad about what they're doing. So, therefor the idea of choppy and awkward seemed to fit perfectly during writing. I'll get to the crits ASAP. Thanks for the reviews guys.

EDIT: Herbie, I'll get to yours tomorrow. I read through it a couple times and realized my brain is not in the proper state to break down another song and give it a crit.
Quote by necrosis1193
As usual Natrone's mouth spouts general win.

Quote by Silverstein14
man, Natrone you're some kind of ninja I swear


Quote by gregs1020
plexi


i realize the longshot that is. little giant to humongous one.


Rest In Peace Stevie Ray
Last edited by Natrone at Sep 29, 2009,
#6
You say so much so clearly that it is boring as a song. Re write the entire song line for line. Add the mystique, the universal interpretation that allows everyone to take something away from this that is personal. As a songwriter it is sometimes excruciatingly painful to do this, however, it will make you grow as a lyricist. You need to “riddle” your song for each to solve. This will help you express your feelings more poetically.
#8
Well, interesting piece. I like it, not sure how it would work in a song, I screamed it in my mind in an angry tone, and that sounded good. Nice work overall. +1
RIP Terje (Valfar) Bakken
#9
Funny how everyone thinks it sounds angry. Well, I'll admit to that. It does.

The sorry irony is that I wrote this to compliment a cool sounding fingerpicked acoustic chord progression I wrote.
Quote by necrosis1193
As usual Natrone's mouth spouts general win.

Quote by Silverstein14
man, Natrone you're some kind of ninja I swear


Quote by gregs1020
plexi


i realize the longshot that is. little giant to humongous one.


Rest In Peace Stevie Ray