#1
Déjà vu comes at you in the winter
When you’re locking up your corner store
And they say sometimes, hopped up on loneliness,
Naked on the cold bathroom floor
That it might not be fiscally responsible
For you to go on breathing anymore

You’ve seen this light before
You remember this dull and musty smell
Your rusty spirit pressing harder into itself
And the twinge of that copper plated twilight bell

Willow Ptarmigans crowing in the willows
Outside your suffocating airtight room
Sunset over Mongolia
Darkness of the west, Her pale finger inviting
Beckoning,
Your lips begin to swoon

"Crested Ibis out in the frozen tar swamps
Take me back
To the hallmark of prehistory
My mother’s womb"
Last edited by #1 synth at Sep 28, 2009,
#2
I didn't like the first stanza. The whole "they say" thing didn't really do much for me.

The rest, however, I really enjoyed.
#3
I think 'to stay alive' should be on the line before it. It's not too long, it emphasises it and it stops the rhyme feeling silly.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
I like the fact that this took many reads to digest everything. This is very richly layered.
#10
this was very original and i loved the rhyme scheme, if you wanna give me a quick crit its on the frontpage "tame" but i really liked the first stanza more than anything
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....
#11
good stuff man, I actually liked the intro the best I think (besides the one clumsy line in there) but the rest had a different tone and flow that for some reason I wasn't wuite as much a fan of
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#12
Have you uploaded, yet, mate?

edit:

*reads posts*

Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Oct 3, 2009,
#14
I much enjoyed this, as stated before it took a few reads to digest and once it did the aftertaste that followed was yummy
#15
I like, seriously.

Wish you would "really" record it and clean it up and such.