#1
i deleted the last one because i wasn't huge on it, i thought it too similar to other things i've been posting. anyways.


before the tide runs in,
turn inside out the clothes you're wearing and
decline my offer to come out for coffee shortly after.
open up a bottle of blue moon and forget to take a walk downtown
but end up there anyways.
tell your sister we're okay and change the station on the television screen,
call me just to say you've got nothing you want to say and hang up,
quickly fold clothes to the melody of the dial tone,
turn on the weather but don't listen,
snow tomorrow,
maybe,
who knows,
i miss you,
so and so and
so and
so.
#2
it seems to me to be very haphazardly written
kinda dis-organized. BUT, i really liked it, something about it caught my attention
and as many things that are wrong with it, there is a ton more thats right.
i wish i had more time to give you a proper crit
but i dont
it was good
who cares
pardon me... do you have any grey poupon?
#4
You have an element of quirkiness that I absolutely love. This was really pretty.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
thank you very much. idk if i've interpreted circular parades comment right (mat? i think?), but thanks.
#6
This was a great piece in such an odd manor. It wasn't like it was anything ground breaking, but it was definitely helped a lot by the sense of realism that you brought to the piece. Theres nothing I can point out singly that was great but as a whole the piece flowed very nicely and the ending was very very heartfelt. I liked this a whole lot.

Crit if you have the time?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1182619
#7
Quote by rushmore
thank you very much. idk if i've interpreted circular parades comment right (mat? i think?), but thanks.


Mat it is.

if you said thanks, you got it right.
#8
I like that this is haphazardly written. It slings around funny, and that works for the mood and tone I get for the poem. Well done!
#10
**** me. ****.

Good ****.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
yeah, this was real nice.

open up a bottle of blue moon and forget to take a walk downtown
but end up there anyways.


that line, especially, really hits. i get that, so much. excellent.