#1
Baby chicks leap from nests before they’re fully fledged,
dying to flee from the warmth of their mothers.
And in these sprawling peach tree groves,
saturated with vibrant greens and oranges,
fruit flies off the branch
as soon as it’s too heavy for its mother to carry.
Toddlers dash around every corner in sight
as soon as they are given free reign over the ground.
Birds must have been born in the Dirty South,
‘cause all things flee their mothers
‘til the forgotten warmth drags them back.

But in that smelly foot of the Appalachians,
there was no magnetic warmth
as the local park conjoined with the neighboring river
and the sky cried its eyes out for days on end.
We had forgotten what the sun felt like
and we were all wet to the bone
'til our bones weren't bones but sponges.
and we wrung them out ‘til they snapped.
And in the midst of this she told me,
“I wanna get the fuck out of Georgia.”
And I said,
“Yeah, me too.”
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Oct 1, 2009,
#2
I really enjoyed reading this. Your descriptions were vivid, and they really painted a picture for me.

I especially liked the parts "...and the sky cried its eyes out for days on end. We had forgotten what the sun felt like and we were all wet to the bone..." and "...and we wrung them out 'til they snapped." though the line between the two of them felt unnecessary to me.

The only real problem for me was the excessive use of run-on sentences in the second stanza. That area could use some periods or commas to help the flow. Other than that, amazing work, as always.
#3
This was really good and it's one of the best pieces I've read from you in a while. I like it the way it is (except for the "sponges" line that the poster above pointed out). However, what I think could make this even more effective is if you somehow draw some parallels between the first and second stanzas. They are very related thematically (and that you shouldn't change), however, by relating them content-wise by making a comparison, for example, between a bird's nest and a playground in Georgia. What I mean is that I feel that the two stanzas are too detached in their subject matter which is detracting away from their thematic similarities, if that makes any sense.

I'm sorry I'm not being very articulate on this point but hopefully you get what I'm saying. I really did like this though. The last stanza was enthralling.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
I liked this except for the "Appalachians" line. I was raised on the VA, KY line and my best memories are there in the "Appalachians". Yeah, I know, boo hoo. I had a good time, but a mile away it may have been hell. That is just reality, I guess. Anyway, very good piece.
#5
This was very well written, but I preferred how it ended in the FreePost thread, it had that swift punch that I like. Don't get me wrong, the endings good, i just though the other one carried more. Personal opinion though.
#6
I enjoyed reading it, I agree with whats already been said, and the flow was great except for a minor bump in the line;

as soon as it’s too heavy for its mother to carry it.

I think if you removed the ending "it", the flow would be perfect, and I feel its ultimately useless, it nothing for the line or the piece. But maybe its just me.
#7
Thanks for the crits. That sponges line I have been trying to figure how to take out without creating awkwardness that comes with two lines in a row starting with and. I may just leave it because of this.

Omega; Meh. It's just my personal experience. It's also referring to the fact that georgia is mostly in the foothills of the Appalachians and not the actual mountain range. So nothing against the mountains themselves. :P

Kyle, I can see how you think that and Carnival, I have taken your advice and taken out that it.


Thanks for the crits, all of you.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#8
We had forgotten what the sun felt like
and we were all wet to the bone
'til our bones weren't bones but sponges.
and we wrung them out ‘til they snapped.

i think this flowed a bit awkwardly, maybe its the line breaks, idk. i dont think the period after sponged is necessary, that seems to disrupt things a bit.

Toddlers dash around every corner in sight
as soon as they are given free reign over the ground.
Birds must have been born in the Dirty South,
‘cause all things flee their mothers
‘til the forgotten warmth drags them back.

this doesn't strike me much. it just doesn't seem to be as effective as i assume it was intended to be.

i really loved the ending and everything else was very solid. nice work.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1209265
#9
“I wanna get the fuck out of Georgia.”
This line was great,
it had a harshness to it that couldn't be expressed any other way.
I felt the two stanzas were a bit at odds with each other, both having their own tones, but in the end it worked out, and overall, I liked this quite a bit.