#1
C4C eh?

Jen bit into superman, and I watched her tongue lick fallen Molly from her lips. We sat at some elementary school. I sipped on Olde English, and smoked hand rolled cigarettes. I sat comfortably,
in the car that her doctor-father pays for.

Last week when Jen and I hung out we smoked marijuana and drove on the highway, listening to music with sirens in the background. I told her that it wasn't cool to play that music, and to put the weed in her vagina. I asked her if she'd ever seen the inside of a cell before.

I answered the question before she had a chance, no she had not, and if she ever came close her father would bail her out. Always. I told her that for me, a little bit of marijuana was a big deal. "It means another charge, while I'm on felony probation It means 1 1/3- 3 in state prison. Turn the fucking gangster rap off."

Then things got really ridiculous. A rather accurate resemblance of the movie Vanilla Sky, in that scene where Cameron Dias drives her and Tom Cruise over the bridge, destroying his face and killing herself. "You're only saying these things because you're part of the story of the documentary of the death of a drug addict! Are you writing this down? Is there a microphone on your tshirt?" She gripped the steering wheel in such a fashion that I had to calm her down into pulling over, somewhere, anywhere. I knew prison or a casket were in my distant future.

Yet still there we laid, a week later. Half naked in the backseat of her car. I tasted pink invincibility on her breath and I felt like I was fifteen; when I really thought I was untouchable.

When I got inside her I said beautiful things, with terrible thoughts on my mind. And when I was done, I wanted to talk about the irrelevance of everything. I wanted to speak on the inevitable journey out of self. I wanted to tell her that everything she's ever seen or heard, anything she'll ever do or feel is as good as masturbation. As good as the cum I spilled on her stomach.

But, instead I said I wish I could hold you all night.

And the trouble with nihilism is that if my failures are meaningless than so are my successes.
Last edited by clichealias at Sep 30, 2009,
#2
oh ****.

I was enthralled throughout. The voice was very natural, and the writing was effective.

I believe this. Many beautiful thoughts in here.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
ahh the inherent irony of a nihilist in love.

Quote by clichealias
Jen bit into superman, and I watched her tongue lick fallen Molly from her lips. We sat at some elementary school. I sipped on Olde English, and smoked hand rolled cigarettes. I sat comfortably,
in the car that her doctor-father pays for.

are you referring to x here? some dude tried to sell me some supermans last night. i don't like the "fallen" before molly, it doesn't really make sense to me and makes that part seem a bit contrived.

Last week when Jen and I hung out we smoked marijuana and drove on the highway, listening to music with sirens in the background. I told her that it wasn't cool to play that music, and to put the weed in her vagina. I asked her if she'd ever seen the inside of a cell before.

you go from anecdote to anecdote here when i think one would suffice so long as it encompasses the ideas of each. otherwise it seems a little unfocused.
"listening to music with sirens in the background" gets this nihilist theme going, finding value in the stupid stuff you do together despite societal pressures. then things turn sour. apparent behavioral polarity is indicative of some internal struggle. you're feeling the pressure, perhaps? it reflects in how you relate to the girl -- the way you partake in an activity and then condemn it moments later.


I answered the question before she had a chance, no she had not, and if she ever came close her father would bail her out. Always. I told her that for me, a little bit of marijuana was a big deal. "It means another charge, while I'm on felony probation It means 1 1/3- 3 in state prison. Turn the fucking gangster rap off."

would change the comma after "chance" to a colon. also i don't think you need to use "marijuana" again, especially in the context of this particular stanza. time to get colloquial. with regard to the whole nihilist thing it expresses frustration because of the seemingly inevitable effect society has on the things you value as an individual.

Then things got really ridiculous. A rather accurate resemblance of the movie Vanilla Sky, in that scene where Cameron Dias drives her and Tom Cruise over the bridge, destroying his face and killing herself. "You're only saying these things because you're part of the story of the documentary of the death of a drug addict! Are you writing this down? Is there a microphone on your tshirt?" She gripped the steering wheel in such a fashion that I had to calm her down into pulling over, somewhere, anywhere. I knew prison or a casket were in my distant future.

not a fan of the Vanilla Sky reference, think you could paint the picture more vividly using your own words. but this part serves to highlight the conflict between you two. i also think that it's well calculated to have her driving the car, relates the lack of control due to society with the lack of control in this relationship.

Yet still there we laid, a week later. Half naked in the backseat of her car. I tasted pink invincibility on her breath and I felt like I was fifteen; when I really thought I was untouchable.

iterates the happiness and the meaning you find in the relationship, your submission to the girl despite your points of contention

When I got inside her I said beautiful things, with terrible thoughts on my mind. And when I was done, I wanted to talk about the irrelevance of everything. I wanted to speak on the inevitable journey out of self. I wanted to tell her that everything she's ever seen or heard, anything she'll ever do or feel is as good as masturbation. As good as the cum I spilled on her stomach.

typifies the central theme. a void was apparently left when you were put on probation; you find significance in this marriage but struggle to relate when given the opportunity to consider your philosophy.

But, instead I said I wish I could hold you all night.

but of course we compromise because meaninglessness is rather unrewarding. i think kant said that there should be some kind of return to faith.

And the trouble with nihilism is that if my failures are meaningless than so are my successes.


the last line seems kind of tacked on to me, or else i don't really understand it in the context of the piece. are you saying that compromising your nihilistic tendencies for want of a compatible relationship is a failure? if so, i think you've got that wrong.

sorry this wasn't so much a crit as it was analytical banter but i really liked the ideas behind it. and i realize i could be completely off base with my interpretations but i still enjoyed reading it and deciphering it. i think we've got a lot in common.

good job
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Sep 29, 2009,
#5
Great read. I like the end line a lot,

Yet still there we laid, a week later. Half naked in the backseat of her car. I tasted pink invincibility on her breath and I felt like I was fifteen; when I really thought I was untouchable

Love this ^ you captured the core of that feeling very well.

Well done, sir.
#6
Thank you very much for that analysis and critique, Arthur.

The superman line is a reference to x. The line about molly was to let the reader know that the superman is an ecstasy pill. I probably could have dropped my hints more tactfully.

The last line is not to say that me compromising my nihilistic tendencies for a compatible relationship is a failure. It's me saying that it's convenient to be a nihilist when were discussing the negative aspects of life and our personal failures to live up to the values we've inherited from our society.

But, if this is true then it must also be true that me having an orgasm inside of a beautiful girl is equally meaningless.

And that is unfortunate, and difficult to live up to, being that I have yet to reach complete indifference.

I probably could have tied it all together better, and had a more mature voice in the car ride with the pot. But, it's difficult for me to stretch memoirs into fiction. I don't constantly speak in poetry, unfortunately.

Again, I appreciate you taking the time to pick this apart.
Last edited by clichealias at Sep 30, 2009,
#7
"marijuana's bad... mmhhhkay"

I thought the battle between love and hate could of been demonstrated a little more. But that's only a tiny, barely noticeable point. This was still enthralling.