#1
First time posting an unfinished product. I am wasted and pissed off. These are the words. Anyone want to add?


Untitled and unfinished


A developmental dime a dozen
Rubbed out byproduct of lovin’
A **** load of faceless cousins
And I’m supposed to be proud?

Hand fed my philosophy
Till I awoke at thirty three
Lost a bet but I found me
And now I’m …****ing…loud!

Crass unapologetic asshole
Philosophical black hole
Couldn’t be more self-critical
Rubbing myself against the cynical

You see the cloths, the skin, the man
You see the image your mind demands
You see whatever, whatever tells you
Covered me in ****! Man, I tell you I’m through!
#2
The cursing in this lets the whole thing down. There are some places where it can work and somewhere it can't and this was one of the latter. I like some of the rhymes you use in here.

Just those damn ****s ruined everything..
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
“Crass unapologetic asshole” I think sums this up. The fact that I was tired and a little drunk also contributed. That said, I am now working to develop this. I like the spilling of raw feelings, which is why I sometimes make a point of writing when I have had a bit too much. I then later develop what I have written into a finished product. This is also why I have welcomed anyone else (hopefully sober) to help me develop this. This is raw and generic. I am willing to go many directions with this unlike my other works, which have been very personal. Please feel free to add lines. I want something universal that I did not have all the say in. I need to know another experience other than my own.
#5
First of all, thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. Secondly, I agree with Ganoosh. The swearing takes away from the piece. I don't know it just doesn't seem to have any effect. I mean the "asshole" works, but "sh1tload" and "covered in sh1t" don't. Also there are some places where the flow trips up. Like it seems there's an extra syllable. Maybe it's just me though.
#6
Quote by themarsvolta
First of all, thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. Secondly, I agree with Ganoosh. The swearing takes away from the piece. I don't know it just doesn't seem to have any effect. I mean the "asshole" works, but "sh1tload" and "covered in sh1t" don't. Also there are some places where the flow trips up. Like it seems there's an extra syllable. Maybe it's just me though.


I agree with the point regarding the swearing; while it can convey the emotion you are trying to express through the lyrics, it seems an overly simple way to do it. However, I do like the direction this is going. I would like to see the completed thing
#7
A developmental dime a dozen
(Means, I feel like nothing special)
Rubbed out byproduct of lovin’
(Again, I am just generic)
A **** load of faceless cousins
(A big extended family of which half are two-faced but I did not realize it until I was older. I was very proud to be a part of it until I learned the truth.)
And I’m supposed to be proud?
(They don’t like that I don’t tow the line for the hypocrisy anymore and I don't feel any pride about being associated with them as I once did.)

Hand fed my philosophy
(Not to be too cliché, I can see clearly now. The difference between what I believed and what really is, is amazing. This was not the fault of my parents, by the way.)
Till I awoke at thirty three
Lost a bet but I found me
(I made a bet about the “truth” and was sure I would win. I did some research and I have never stopped since. I lost the bet, obviously, but I gained myself.)
And now I’m …****ing…loud!
(Now, if you ask, you get, no matter how ugly, the truth.)

Crass unapologetic asshole
Philosophical black hole
Couldn’t be more self-critical
Rubbing myself against the cynical
(I do not apologize for what I know is right. I am very "self-critical" because I do not wish to be hypocritical or fake. I check myself constantly. I enjoy breaking others ideological barrier’s very abruptly like mine was broken. I do not go and seek to do it, but I do it aggressively when I am challenged. )

You see the cloths, the skin, the man
You see the image your mind demands
You see whatever, whatever tells you
Covered me in ****! Man, I tell you I’m through!
(This means you see and believe the cover story of the world and the people who make you think they rule it. I felt very betrayed and “Covered in ****” from my extended family all the way up to the White House. Lie after lie I have had to look at for years. It is one hell of an eye opener. I thought I was screwed up, but then I got a look at some of the finger pointers and whooooaaaa! I affiliate with neither democrats or republicans. They are both the same controlled by the same puppet master. Every conflict between them is just a show for your amusement.)


The big lesson here is this is what happens when you are drunk and decide to post on the internet. There is a lot of explaining to do later. This is why I usually just write it and then develop it into something more universal. That said, if anyone else wishes to add to this I will certainly try to incorporate it. Next time I will be a bit more professional.
Last edited by IamOmega at Oct 1, 2009,