#1
i just need a minute.

opened up the door to this little bazaar
walked out with a t-shirt and bangles, for you.
thinking about moving towards the side streets
to get away from all the busy feet.

on the corner there is a man, sign in hand
says the president has no mind for anyone
its like he's eating through our time,
mainly mine.

kept snippets of the news paper you appeared in,
snippets of memories from when we first met.
open the closed hope chest and started pulling out songs,
rewriting them to your silhouette.

broke down every little line,
made sure each of them rhymed.
held your hand as we cross the streets,
getting lost like pulling teeth.

so anxious to go back to our bed, crept up on you tonight.
waking up from bad dreams
falling back asleep to blue eye gleam.

so anxious about everything, i am scared to cross your streets.
waking up from bad dreams
falling back into the same damn things.

hypochondriac, self diagnosed
these are what i believe
keep me from seeing me
as anything but ugly.

i think i could use a minute...
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Oct 19, 2009,
#2
Well, well, Mr Mysterious. Triumphant return, I say. The rhyming I thought could be a bit stronger in some parts, but for the most, I liked the tone it established. This was nice and quirky.
#3
****ing amazing.

Cut the very last line (three) imho, though.

Out-****ing-standing.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
I loved the rhyming. It was really carefree and brave. This really was cool because each verse felt like it had something new to say, but then it all became apparant why they were there when the second last verse followed.

I think the last few lines could be dropped, as well.

That's all I have to say. Soz.
#5
I honestly wasnt a fan. I had no idea who the narrator was, what his motivation is, or what he really is afraid of. you gave us a bunch of possibilities but no answers I could sink my teeth into.
#7
It's good, and even though Dylan isn't a fan of it, I like the ambiguity. If anything, it's what distinguished it from all the other monotonous love jingles you seem to hear. The content's pretty good too.

I'm not going to go as far as to say it's incredible, but I did enjoy it.
#9
kept snippets of the news paper you appeared in,
snippets of memories from when we first met.
open the closed hope chest and started pulling out songs,
rewriting them to your silhouette.


i really enjoyed this bit

everything else wasn't anything to really keep a hold off
but its far far far away from being bad.
mediocre at worst

if i was using the point system
which im not
i would give you a 69/120
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#10
Nice. Not spectacular, but definitely above average. I particularly liked the newspaper bit.
Could you critique mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=21895111#post21895111
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FrustratedRocka you are a legend

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The man clearly knows his shit.

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one of the best, educated and logical posts I've ever seen on UG in the Pit. Well done good sir.