#1
This is the first piece of written in a while. Hope you enjoy. C4C, as always. Leave me a link, and I'll get to it.

Also, if anyone has any title ideas, feel free to throw them out there.


I attempt to dismantle
My always whirling psyche
Into sensible notions
With which to guide myself.

As I return to reality,
Unrewarded for my labors,
I glower accusingly
At my innocent mottled lover.

"This is your fault!" I scream,
"All of this is because of you!"
She gazes at me, unblinking;
Her motherly patience steadfast.

My paroxysm leaves me crestfallen,
And a silent eternity seems to elapse.
"Hark, the dying leaves beckon."
Back to my sullen dwelling.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Oct 1, 2009,
#2
I like this more than other things I've read from you. It appears that little break from writing did you well.

The best thing about this is your word choice. It's what made this piece what it is. Without it, this would be an alright idea with alright execution. I'm not sure if I like the line "And lifetimes seem to elapse" upon a third or fourth read. But it didn't really jump out at me as something that was awkward, y'know?

Nicely done. If you could crit my sig, por favor.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Thanks, Ganoosh. I've always held your critiques to be of value. My break from writing has been one of both brooding and revelations, so I'm glad to hear that all of the thinking has helped.

As I wrote this, that line also seemed just the slightest bit off to me. I'll definitely change it when the right line comes to me.

Thanks again, Ganoosh. I'll critique your piece right away. Cheers!
#4
It seems very "polished". I can't find anything I don't really like. Like Ganoosh said, nice choice of words and placed at the apropriate times as well. Although there was a bit of action in the second to last paragraph, I think this is where the piece is lacking. Not that particular part, but the piece could possibly use a bit more emotion overal. You were spot on with the rest though. Thanks for the crit man
#5
Quote by Winter Sky
This is the first piece of written in a while. Hope you enjoy. C4C, as always. Leave me a link, and I'll get to it.

Also, if anyone has any title ideas, feel free to throw them out there.


I attempt to dismantle
My always whirling psyche
Into sensible notions
With which to guide myself.

I think you might be better off with some sort of imagery here. Nothing really sets a tone or creates any sort of setting/vibe.

As I return to reality,
Unrewarded for my labors,
I glower accusingly
At my innocent mottled lover.

the first line is weaker than the rest

"This is your fault!" I scream,
"All of this is because of you!"
She gazes at me, unblinking;
Her motherly patience steadfast.

Vague, but well written.

My paroxysm leaves me crestfallen,
And a silent eternity seems to elapse.
"Hark, the dying leaves beckon."
Back to my sullen dwelling.

The first sentence feels a little bit like big words for big words' sake.



I feel like this piece doesn't take me anywhere. It's almost as if you didn't have a goal in mind when you wrote it. I think it could be quite good with a little more focus.
Check out mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1208699
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#6
If you don't have a real title yet, use "Untitled" as the thread title, otherwise this is technically breaking the rules here and should be closed. So I'd personally suggest deleting this and reposting it with that as a thread title, and then I'd ask for opinions on an actual title for the piece.
#7
muel333: Thank you for the critique. I did choose my words carefully to give what would otherwise be a rather boring piece. I'm glad it seems to have played out in my favor.

rebelmidget: Thanks for the advice. Some of your suggestions will definitely be considered and used to better my work. And, of course, I will critique your piece as soon as I can.

Final: I've read the rules, and while "Working Title" is never stated as against the rules, and I do stand by the idea that it is an allowed thread title, I do see where you're coming from. I'm going to leave this open until a Mod or Admin locks it. I've gotten enough critiques to see my flaws and shortcomings in this piece anyway.

Thank you again to those of you who critiqued my piece. I will begin working on the weaknesses of it immediately.