#1
I'm still trying to stretch out the poetry muscles a bit. Haven't written much for ages, a few comp pieces and the like. But here's one that's not too bad. c4c (promise).

here it is,
the one where i tell you i'm walking,
and you cry and beg me to stay;
you need me, you want me
you've missed me for days but
you just couldn't tell me.
you don't know why, but you just
couldn't tell me.

this is the one where i tell you,
nothing matters anymore.
where i tell you it's too late, too far gone;
too far gone.

this is the one where you tell me that you love me,
and i walk away;
because i love you more than anything,
but i can't find that person anymore.

it's all inside, you know?
you probably don't believe that.
but one of us has to be strong,
has to know what we're doing,
where it's all coming and going
and who's on top in the end.
i'm just hoping
it isn't always me.
cause inside, i'm still the one
who cries everytime you say "i love you
Last edited by kdownes at Oct 1, 2009,
#2
This is....alright. I didn't quite enjoy is as much as other things you've written. I hate, hate hate the away/stay rhyme. Rhyming two perfect rhymes that close together just doesn't work; it sounds cheesy. The day a little farther down isn't quite as bad because there's some space in between, but when you have two short words together that are only different by one letter, it sounds like pure wisconsin cheese. I also dislike the second line. I'd rather if you added a "you" in there or find another way to articulate that, because it didn't work.


I don't even remember the last time I read one of your poems...

Good work.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
oops, there is meant to be a you there. Damn typos. I'm having a bit of trouble with that rhyme too, might give it another look.
#4
the ending built up brilliantly but i thought the last line fell a little, weak i guess. i like you and this quite a lot none the less though.
#5
I thought it was clever, pulling a play on the cliché, but the last stanza just didn't have that touch, and overall none of this really stuck or stung in my head