#1
Walking past potential failures
Dimensions of time slipping away
Walking this far never got me there
Always dreaming in the game i play

Dream on with the silence of darkness
After the fading of the light
Taste a tune of sweetness
Tones that make the music of the night

Reality is hardly found
The tunes take over full control
Wondering through my mind
Try to make it rest with my soul
Last edited by Bingt at Oct 1, 2009,
#2
Quote by Bingt
Walking past potential failures
Dimensions of time slipping away
Walking this far never got me there
Always dreaming in the game i play
I'm kind of indifferent about this stanza. It's decent, but it doesn't really grab my attention in any way.

Dream on with the silence of darkness
After the fading of the light
Taste a tune of sweetness
Tones that make the music of the night
Again, not bad, but not good. Kind of repetitive.

Reality is hardly found
The tunes take over full control
Wondering through my mind
Try to make it rest with my soul
Weakest of all the stanzas, in my opinion. Also, make the verbs match up. As it is, the word "try" doesn't make sense where it is.


I like the idea you're going for, but the execution needs work. With a handful of revisions, this could turn out really good. The biggest problem is that it wasn't memorable. It doesn't demand any attention. Keep working at it; you'll get it.