#1
walk to the subway barely disturbed-
a few passing cars cough audibly, surely, in their sonic insecurity.
fall is here indeed, olive jacket with pockets on the sleeves,
maroon wool hat with a black stripe pacing around it, cotton ball at
the top makes me a few inches taller. a cafe on the corner serves
drinks to eleven or whenever i feel like leaving. i order a tea i can
barely pronounce, watch the waitress laugh off my twisted tongue
with a smile i've seen worn by old lovers of mine.
honey and sugar, american spirits and a book i don't plan to read,
i bring it along for safety, if i see someone i know i open to a pre-
determined page and skim through quickly, you know, just so i
don't look so alone. others come and go as i sit,
some barely worth mentioning, a few though were laughing,
a few though were straight faced,
a few though had no expression at all.
one had teeth so large and a smile so small,
one with a pea coat and no shoes on at all,
one with a giraffe'd neck and a head so small,
one was never even there at all.
there are five different fans on the ceiling,
all turned on low, all apologizing to the air they blow,
matching bar stools drenched in dopamine from
college students the night before drinking import beers and most likely merlot,
cigarette burns and ashtrays full of half chewed mints and sucker sticks,
a bamboo plant sits at the center of my table and i sit here for hours watching it
grow and grow and
grow and
grow
and
life goes by
a few millimeters at a time.
Last edited by rushmore at Oct 1, 2009,
#2
do you have music for this? it seems really interesting. id like to hear these lyrics with music, very well written lyrics good job
Tom Morello -
Every day on the street I have people coming up me and going, “Dude, I kicked your ass at Guitar Hero!” I’m like, “Yes, it’s a video game. You should get out more.”

#3
This was a lovely little slice of life. I wanted there to be some sort of sense to the line breaks though, they just seemed so erratic and forced and strange. It threw me a bit.
#4
I really enjoyed this. The line breaks for me are hit and miss. A couple I don't like, such as the one on the first line. But a lot of the places where I thought the line break should be funky really wasn't..I think the line with the past lovers would be so much better if you left off the names.

It also changes pace in the middle for a second and starts rhyming like crazy, and then stops again. This was peculiar, but didn't really detract from the piece too much. I would like if you kept it the same style consistently throughout the piece. The repetition of small bugged me.

But other than those little things, it was good. As a whole, those little problems weren't enough to really bring down the piece for me. Good work.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
thanks. i messed with the line breaks a bit, i'll figure it out more later on when im not so tired.