#1
I need to stop dreaming. c4c.


I faded into darkness
like white noise into static.
In this dream I had no color,
no vibrance to offer to the world.
The shadows carried bludgeons.
Violently they beat the resilience
out of my mouth.
Hammerblow after hammerfell,
until it was spewing from my lips.
Failure they shouted.
Relentless, they stuck me for hours.
Each in turn:
strike
pause
strike
pause...
until it formed a beat
and a voice rose above the drum.
Softly it started; just barely audible.
I heard my sins being sung to me.
It grew louder, in time with the hammerfalls.
Each shadow playing his role in
berating me.
The voice doubled...
and tripled.
It grew so loud;
it became more painful
than any strike the shadows could land.

The shadows stopped.
The voice fell silent.
The man with red eyes stepped forward,
carrying a flog.
"Today you will atone."
Searing flesh;
four cracks of leather.

---

When I awoke this morning,
I looked out my window.
In the sandbox was a child with
a lime green striped shirt.
He was building a castle;
but it was much to complex for a child.
There were dozens of towers,
little sand people, cannons,
horses and fountains.
We made eye contact as he looked up
from his creation.
His eyes flashed red;
then he set a rose on the tallest tower
and walked away.
I ran out to the sandbox,
desperate to meet the boy.
There were words in the sand.
I'll never forget them.
#2
I love the first lines, they sucked me in. This, for me, moved at a nice pace.

"hammerblow after hammerfell". I stumbled over that bigtime. If you hadn't established that this was a dream in the beginning, the end after the -- would have been horrible. Thank you for doing that.



Nicely written.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
First thread i open here after a long time. Glad it was this time. I had a great read.
#4
Awesome

What style song is it?
Guitars:
-Gibson Les Paul Custom Shop Silverburst (Invader/'59)
-Fender Standard Telecaster HH Black (SH-5/'59)
-Fender Standard Stratocaster HH White (Nazgul/'59)
-Austin Guitars Les Paul Goldtop Copy (Distortion/'59)
-Ovation ApplauseAE44II Elite Black Acoustic


Amps/Cabs
-Peavey 6505+
-Peavey Stereo Chorus 2x12 Combo
-Behringer Ultracoustic ACX450 1x8 Acoustic Combo
-Marshall MX2x12 Cabinet


Wayyyyy too many effects pedals...
#5
Don't stop dreaming, your writing's a lot more intense and sinister when you write about your dreams.
#6
I liked this piece a lot more than the kind you usually write, not that those aren't good or anything, but this was just so... vulnerable and a dreamier side of you. All of the judgement and chastising done in the dream sequence silently translates into self-loathing, insecurity, all kinds of scary little things that no one really talks about but can wordlessly understand.

Only suggestions
- The first half has a bit more physical description than it needs. I understand that you're narrating your dream but a lot of what you're saying is put across well without having to explain everything
- The very last line seems forced. I like what it's saying but it just seems so blunt that I can't relate and just have to take your word for it without being able to empathize.


Lovely piece, Zach. This should have gotten more attention.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja