#1
A silver string weaves itself around a tongue,
tying an unbreakable knot of euphoria.
A flutter of the heart renders the knees weak and the mouth dry,
a rush of blood to the head increasingly enfeebles knees
until they buckle, growing more wobbly
than the buckle on the belt that trembles incessantly,
shaken by breathless breaths--in and out,
in and in and out.
This is beauty. This is the experience of beauty, the thrill of beauty,
and a metric ton of silicon and designer lipstick couldn’t replicate this feeling,
ever.





I'm entering a contest at my school--any form of art can be submitted, and the winner gets some sort of scholarship. The theme is "Beauty is..", and I've written two pieces and I'm not really sure which one to submit. So when I say "Part 1", it really has no relation to part two except that they both encompass "Beauty is.." and they were both written for the same purpose. Right now I like the second one better, which I will be posting as soon as I have a chance to..in the next couple days hopefully. So since a scholarship depends on this piece and my parents are negligent in their saving for my college, tear it up. Bad.

#2
The first 2 lines are great. Then it begins to decline. I don't like how you used "knees" in two consecutive lines. It just makes it too weird to read, I don't really like the word "enfeebles" there either but it is tolerable. The whole next section is also a bit hard to read. Again with repeating words, breathless breaths. I really liked the last 2 lines as well. It seems to me that you have a strong begining and end but the middle kind of goes off track. I hope to see the second piece you have because some of the lines you have here are very promising. Good luck in the contest, thanks for the crit
- Sam

EDIT: Now that i'm reviewing the middle I think I understand it more, the buckling of the belt relates to being too fat- hence continuing with the theme. I like it but it would be better if maybe you said it in a different way?
Last edited by muel333 at Oct 1, 2009,
#3
Quote by Ganoosh
A silver string weaves itself around a tongue,
I like the imagery, but I don't understand what it's supposed to mean.
tying an unbreakable knot of euphoria.
I don't like the word "unbreakable" in this piece. It's too easy of a word to use in such a nice piece.
A flutter of the heart renders the knees weak and the mouth dry,
Don't like the word "dry" because I feel there are so many more vivid ways to say the same thing. Good concept though.
a rush of blood to the head increasingly enfeebles knees
I like this line a lot. No complaints.
until they buckle, growing more wobbly
"Wobbly" is another word I'm not really feeling here. The rest of this line is great.
than the buckle on the belt that trembles incessantly,
I like the use of the word "buckle" after it's been used differently in the previous line.
shaken by breathless breaths--in and out,
in and in and out.
I love the way you describe the breaths. I can really feel the awkward, shallow breathing of it.
This is beauty. This is the experience of beauty, the thrill of beauty,
and a metric ton of silicon and designer lipstick couldn’t replicate this feeling,
ever.
Magnificent ending to an amazing piece.





I'm entering a contest at my school--any form of art can be submitted, and the winner gets some sort of scholarship. The theme is "Beauty is..", and I've written two pieces and I'm not really sure which one to submit. So when I say "Part 1", it really has no relation to part two except that they both encompass "Beauty is.." and they were both written for the same purpose. Right now I like the second one better, which I will be posting as soon as I have a chance to..in the next couple days hopefully. So since a scholarship depends on this piece and my parents are negligent in their saving for my college, tear it up. Bad.



Tore it up harder than I normally would, by your request. Hope I managed to help out even a little. I look forward to your other "Beauty is..." piece. Great work as always.
#4
Thanks for the crits, guys.

Muel - You have no idea how much I struggled with that "Enfeeble" line. I tried at least a couple different ways to express them and none of them felt right. That line is a work in process.

WinterSky - The first two lines are describing the concept of being "tongue tied". Thanks for the crit.


I still have some major editing to do on this, as I hate how the whole middle of this flows.

Thanks for the crits, guys.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Quote by Ganoosh
A silver string weaves itself around a tongue,
tying an unbreakable knot of euphoria.
A flutter of the heart renders the knees weak and the mouth dry,
a rush of blood to the head increasingly enfeebles knees
until they buckle, growing more wobbly
than the buckle on the belt that trembles incessantly,
shaken by breathless breaths--in and out,
in and in and out.
This is beauty. This is the experience of beauty, the thrill of beauty,
and a metric ton of silicon and designer lipstick couldn’t replicate this feeling,
ever.


I don't like the word increasingly as it's used here. I think you can find a better way to say what you're saying in that line.
I don't think you need the second this is. This is beauty: the experience....etc. Something like that would work a little better/flow better in my opinion.
The last line is a little awkward and basic the way it's phrased now.
I like where this is going, and I like the way you look at love.
I'd like to read the other piece, and this again after any revisions.

Check this out, perhaps?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1207981
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#6
I like most of it, but in the third and fourth line I don't like the use of "dry" and "enfeebles." They're too plain.
Otherwise, I enjoyed it
#7
it's been a long time since i seriously critiqued anything, hah.

Quote by Ganoosh
A silver string weaves itself around a tongue,
the use of "a tongue" is off here. the syllabic sound of 'a' doesn't sit right and a makes it feel more singular causing me to envision a disembodied tongue. 'the tongue' would be far better in my opinion.
tying an unbreakable knot of euphoria.
A flutter of the heart renders the knees weak and the mouth dry,
weak knees and dry mouth are cliche images. boring.
a rush of blood to the head increasingly enfeebles knees
the double 'e's so close to each other read awkwardly. in fact, the word enfeebles is entirely awkward all by itself. not to mention it's a retread on the weak knees image, and i get that it's a progression, but you just mentioned it in the line before this, and that's probably a bit too soon.
until they buckle, growing more wobbly
wobbly is just an immature word really. it lacks poeticism.
than the buckle on the belt that trembles incessantly,
i get you're trying for a buckle/buckle thing here, but this basically reads as, my knees grow more wobbly than a wobbly belt buckle. it comes off as kind of a stupid comparison honestly.
shaken by breathless breaths--in and out,
in and in and out.
breathless breaths is another cute attempt at cleverness, this one is slightly more successful, but still toeing the line between witty and corny. i like the repetition of 'in' in the second line. it's got the subtlety this piece has been lacking. it describes a panicked breathing without flat out saying it's panicky.
This is beauty. This is the experience of beauty, the thrill of beauty,
"the experience of beauty" sounds like it came from a profoundness for dummies guidebook.
and a metric ton of silicon and designer lipstick couldn’t replicate this feeling,
ever.
the hard and soft o's interrupt the con/ton slant you were going for, but silicon has various pronunciations so it could just be my dialect getting me there. the idea of plastic and make-up not accounting for real beauty overall feels kind of immature to me, but it's your poem and your content so that's really up to you.




this is above your average teenage journal scrawl, but it still shows a great deal of immaturity and a lack of command over language. it has redeeming qualities but if you really intend to knock it out you'll have to sharpen this a good bit. excuse my harshness, but it's better a biting critique now than one when you submit it. best of luck to you, and i'll see if i can't catch your other piece when you post it.
#8
this is the first full crit I've ever done.

A silver string weaves itself around a tongue, I like the image this line portrays
tying an unbreakable knot of euphoria.
kind of straightforward but it still fits
A flutter of the heart renders the knees weak and the mouth dry,
a rush of blood to the head increasingly enfeebles knees i don't like the use of the word blood usually but otherwise this line is good.
until they buckle, growing more wobbly
than the buckle on the belt that trembles incessantly,
shaken by breathless breaths--in and out,
in and in and out.
This is beauty. This is the experience of beauty, the thrill of beauty,
and a metric ton of silicon and designer lipstick couldn’t replicate this feeling,
ever.

i enjoyed reading this actually it took me until a few lines in to get a sense of what it was about but i got it, and in my piece the "pieces" part was referring to one of the earlier stated lines about the broken mirror, the mirror was never pasted back together :P
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....
#9
Thanks for the crit, but I directed you to the wrong piece. Sorry about that. I won't ask you to crit the other one because you've already done this one. But if you want to, I've edited my sig.


A mod can close this, if you happen to stumble upon it.


Nick: Thank you. That was the kind of crit I was looking for.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black