#1
I have been playing guitar for around 1.5 years and have started to write a lot of guitar riffs and have finished a song. I decided to write lyrics and this is what I came up with. It's basically an accusation against God or whatever you believe in as a higher power. Please be critical as i want to learn as much as I ca since I am very new.

Listen and You'll Hear

Verse 1
Obedient perfection and blind faith
Can’t you hear all the people struggling?

But some evanescent voice of assurance
Tells them to wait and endure

Well, tell that to the starving people on the streets
Or the millions dying of disease

Pre-Chorus
And look for a response
Can you hear them?
Listen closer
I can hear them now
Speaking out of their famished mouths

Chorus
**** you
Listen
Listen, won’t you please just listen

Verse 2

They still cling onto your silk robe
Following your laws and commands

Laws that don’t apply to their world
Of pain and death

Laws that you tell them to follow
And threaten with punishment
What do they think?

Pre-Chorus
And look for a response
Can you hear them?
Listen closer
I can hear them now
Speaking out of their famished mouths

Chorus
**** you
Listen
Listen, won’t you please just listen

Pre-Closing
No more laws and false promises
No more starvation and death
No more ****ing pain
Just take me away
You wonder why we go to
Such extreme measures
Murder, stealing, lying
To get a plate of food
Well, you ignorant abusive ****
Will you listen to us now?

Closing
Just keep thinking that
Their in the wrong place
At the wrong time


Thanks for your time,
Dom
#2
Normally, I'd pick something like this to pieces, pointing out each of the numerous flaws. But I don't really feel like it right now, so I'll just give you a quick critique.

Quite honestly, I think it's terrible. Boring overplayed topic, unoriginal execution, unneeded use of profanity, poor vocabulary, etc. Thousands of people have written the same song, none of which are interesting. Either redo the song in a more original way, or scrap it.

I know I sound harsh, and I mean to. If I told you it was good, you'd never get better. But no one writes a good first song. It takes practice and technique. So, I hope you can take some of what I said the right way, and improve your originality and execution.

Keep working at it, and you'll improve with time. Cheers.
#3
Honestly I have always thought there are more clever and cunning ways to express yourself (specially in poetry and song writing) rather than just randomly cursing and swearing, I think that's too cheap and overused.

Other than that, I believe your idea (it's about oppressed famishing people right?) despite being a little too used can be made into an original song just by expressing yourself in a different way and perhaps keeping it not so "in your face".

By no means I intended to sound harsh, keep on writing and just keep'em coming mate!

EDIT: Oh and just a little grammar correction:

Quote by Dom1487

Closing
Just keep thinking that
They're in the wrong place
At the wrong time


Their ≠ They're
Beau, oui, comme Bowie
Last edited by TaV0 at Oct 2, 2009,
#4
Some advice for you:
Read a lot of lyrics, poems, whatever. find out what you like then find out why you like it.
write about something from your life. i know of very few writers who are good enough/experienced enough to handle such a topic as the existence of God and the justification of religion. you are not there (yet). who knows, maybe someday you'll write about this very same topic and it'll turn out great. but in the meantime, write something that comes from your life. the more honesty there is, at this stage, the better it will be.
above all, keep writing. learn it, love it, live it
#5
awesome everyone thanks a lot I reakky appreciate you taking the time to read this =D