#1
A little thing I wrote today during such a boring lecture. Notice that "Dawn", "dawn", and "down" are interchangeable all over the song, just ... well, because.


Slow Dawn

Clung to the ashtray
Since the day you were born
Always staring
Into the sun

You never got things that fast

Always looking Dawn
Always looking down

Slow Dawn
Slow down
Slow Dawn
Slow down

It's such a bright day
It hurts our eyes
Blonde girl passing by
But oh! she moves so fast

Always looking Dawn
Always, always looking down

Slow Dawn
Slow down
Slow Dawn
Slow down

A strange taste in our mouths
Oh, but eyes don't lie
You've never understood things that fast

Slow Dawn
Slow down
Slow Dawn
Slow down
Beau, oui, comme Bowie
Last edited by TaV0 at Oct 2, 2009,
#2
This is interesting and kind of surreal. It has a coherence that I can definitely recognize, but it's enigmatic in the extreme. I'm not sure interchanging words like that for no reason is a good idea, but I'm pretty sure you have a reason for doing it, however deeply buried or unconscious it may be. The second verse didn't really fit the groove of the rest of it. It went more specific and down-to-earth than the other stanzas, kind of ruined the mood. I would rewrite it being more general, trying to avoid specific images like "blond girl".
All that said, it doesn't go anywhere. There's no progression of narrative, concepts, or mechanics. As a song it might be unsatisfying, and as a piece of writing, it's definitely unsatisfying. Develop this fragment into a full idea.