#1
Take away my eyes; tomorrow it will cause me more pain to rip them out on my own terms.

"Evening is when we all like to gather together. A hostess will watch families, friends, lovers, elderly, lively, depressed, well dressed, and the occassional outlier. This concept of a far off, single piece of data frequenting a place where togetherness lingers like a cruel joke is an odd one. Although, our man here is one of an odd shape, with a questionable weight. He walks into the establishment through the double oak doors with glass pains, a black sticker reading push clinging on right above the handle. Behind him is a couple, they probably just got cleaned up from a day on the beach. Sunlight carried in with them through those doors, even though all you could see was night and those cruising car beams. There we two big genuine smiles, and eachothers fingers locking like a liquor cabinet. Everything that odd, stained shirt man thought would make him happy was locked within that perfect pairs warm hands."
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Oct 2, 2009,
#3
Well, I like it. It's so ... simple, and it reflects an everyday life so nicely. Also the title is quite cunning and suits thispiece perfectly. May I ask, what kind of music do you play? or for what style of music were you aiming this song? I'm curious!
Beau, oui, comme Bowie
#4
This had the ability to be refreshing, but got so convoluted in the middle that it lost the touch.

It painted such a lovely scene, but all of the imagery and words sort of got thrown in a mixer in the middle; and by teh time you were describing the guy entering and the couple entering, I was already "behind" the images because I was struggling to keep up with how fast this was pulling me down the page. I felt like this just needed to be developed a little more, a little more info per image and idea, to just spread it out and make it read more naturally and with less of a "race to the finish" style. Let it breath, and I think this could really deliver a great gut-wrenching sort of realization.


If you could, a comment on shadow puppets in my sig would be appreciated.

zach
#5
bookmarked.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.