#1
I was drinking 22 ounces of beer out of a Speedway gas station cup,
Sitting in a beat up pick up truck in a cigarette butt filled parking lot at a Babies R' Us
Pretending to sing along with every 'Ole Bociphus song that cemented my
family and raped my guts.
I escaped that rut to go play cornhole with my
Uncles until my weary kneecaps buckled up, but I guess I've
done as expected -
Added-notch belt buckled.
Messy hair tussled.
Swimming through one ways until it's nothing but
RTA's and puppies all the way down.

Hell is the Ritz compared to where I live,
Where I sleep on a piss stained mattress as fruit flies lay eggs
in my eyelids and split ends.
It's the same portrait in the rear-view -
Same sanitation pick up, same pregnant cats.
Same rescheduled parking lot re-pavement, same sex offenders with
the same fading tats.
I'm four generations of a family who
writes checks for $1.27, holding up the line at a crowded gas station.
A people who never take the snow chains off their tires and
tear up the concrete as they drive past a system of ropes and pulleys
suspended over terrible city planning until they pass that intersection and
it's nothing but puppies and kittens all the way down.
Poor advice.
#2
Quote by stellar_legs

I was drinking 22 ounces of beer out of a Speedway gas station cup,
Sitting in a beat up pick up truck in a cigarette butt filled parking lot at a Babies R' Us
Pretending to sing along with every 'Ole Bociphus song that cemented my
family and raped my guts.

(Great. Rhyme scheme is solid and palatable, yet still interesting. Simple yet tactful word play paints a good picture here, and sets the tone up. Good start)

I escaped that rut to go play cornhole with my
Uncles until my weary kneecaps buckled up, but I guess I've
done as expected -
Added-notch belt buckled.

(This turns over on itself kinda funny. I like it)

Messy hair tussled.
Swimming through one ways until it's nothing but
RTA's and puppies all the way down.

(I like this, but I think it could do with out the "Messy hair tussled")

Hell is the Ritz compared to where I live,
Where I sleep on a piss stained mattress as fruit flies lay eggs
in my eyelids and split ends.
It's the same portrait in the rear-view -

(This blows me away)

Same sanitation pick up, same pregnant cats.
Same rescheduled parking lot re-pavement, same sex offenders with
the same fading tats.

(Once again, interesting word choice, you really paint the setting well)

I'm four generations of a family who
writes checks for $1.27, holding up the line at a crowded gas station.
A people who never take the snow chains off their tires and
tear up the concrete as they drive past a system of ropes and pulleys
suspended over terrible city planning until they pass that intersection and
it's nothing but puppies and kittens all the way down.

(Wonderful way to close the piece! I feel like you live in my town, or at least somewhere close. Seriously, I connect to this. Great job!)


Kudos, sir. Loved it.

If you'd like to check my newest out, here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1209249

and I have another that is currently WotW, feel free to comment either
Last edited by jimmy388 at Oct 3, 2009,
#3
Always interesting to read from you sir.

I felt that the rhymes in the beginning were out of place.

Still, always interesting.
Promises meant a lot back then.