#1
Hey, I just wrote this song and am trying a new writing style. it is at that critical point when it need some opinions. and before i turned to my friends, i figured the harsh views of the internet and all that dwell within would be just what i need to build my confidence, or trash my pride.

There is no music to this YET!, but my style heads towards melodic metal, or heavy screamo. Well..without me going on more.. here it is! PS, it still needs some work

Love thy Temple

The anwser to your hardship
Is leather bound in twine
But now know all your problems Start
from the begining of mankind

Don't Mull, don't waver, don't wander
There's stories to hear, lessons to be given
Don't Speak, Don't hear, But listen
Only to the words i speak

Before you can resolve yourself
You must Atone
The only way to atone is.. to...

Shuffle in
Boot marks shun the floor boards
Of thousands here before me
Looking for an answer
that I can't fine in me
Im' praying for salvation
for one hundred years of sin (or "that i may never find")
the only way to find it.. is.. to
Shuffle in

Time comes for judgement
All Entropy Inclines
I'm to answer for everyone
It's the way it was designed
For the thousand wars before me
I'm sorry but this is one that i can not win
Claim only small victories
In removing all my sin
That means i can't see you.. to..

Shuffle in
Boot marks shun the floor boards
Of thousands here before me
Looking for an answer
that I can't fine in me
Im' praying for salvation
for one hundred years of sin (or "that i may never find")
the only way to find it.. is.. to
Shuffle in

Faith says to denounce you
so i can be at one with "God"
In light of what i once knew
those times are lost and forgotten
in the future i may find you
once all else is lost
but in the end i will denouce again... to..

Shuffle in
Boot marks shun the floor boards
Of thousands here before me
Looking for an answer
that I can't fine in me
Praying for salvation
for one hundred years of sin (or "that i may never find")
the only way to find it.. is.. to
Shuffle in

Shuffle in
Boot marks shun the floor boards
Of a thousand here before
All looking for the same things
that I can't fine in me
Break myself from past ties
I greatfully oblige
I'm still waiting for you vacant touch..
Shuffle in

Dustin Lemery
Oct 2009


Thank You.
Last edited by Neonightshade at Oct 3, 2009,
#2
It's good but you need to find a structure for your rhyms. You've just added a few here and there
Quote by p o e
I hate math...

Dude, i came here to learn sex, not math.

Uncool.
#3
Can you give me any tips, or maybe point out some critical areas please?

Is the overall theme good?
Did i keep POV well?
Is the "message" (i couldn't think of a better word) hidden too much, or too in the open?

Please share!

Have you ever read any of Triviums early lyrics? they are kind of allovertheplaceish? wern't they?
Last edited by Neonightshade at Oct 3, 2009,
#4
Please read the forum rules, specifically those regarding thread titles. I'll fix this one for you but read them anyways. Thanks.