#1
It's not like I never wrote anything like this.
C4C (leave link)


This is me,
putting you to sleep with a musical box,
spinning it with my finger
at your heartbeat per minute.
If I’m singing out of tune,
will you still dream with me?

If you’re caught in a nightmare,
have in mind that there’s no reason to be scared.
Because when the first sun ray
shatters the glass in the window of your eyes,
I will stand on my side of the bed,
being an angel
and assuring your head’s sane in my wings.
You are safe.

Good morning, light of my day.
#2
Quote by seventh_angel




Just a couple things,



This is me,
putting you to sleep with a musical box,
spinning it with my finger
at your heartbeat per minute. - This feels out of place. Also, don't start a line with an article, like "at".
If I’m singing out of tune,
will you still dream with me?

If you’re caught in a nightmare,
have in mind that there’s no reason to be scared. - It kinda looked like you made a stretch to get this to rhyme, since the line is so long. I'm iffy on this.
Because when the first sun ray - Weird line break here.
shatters the glass in the window of your eyes,
I will stand on my side of the bed,
being an angel - I don't like this phrase. It's too direct.
and assuring your head’s sane in my wings. - "Sane in my wings" sounds awkward. Reads awkwardly.
You are safe. - Once again, not very poetic.

Good morning, light of my day. - Meh. I guess this is alright.


The idea was alright, and some of the lines were totally fine. You hit the target, but you were only a couple inches from poking a hole in the wall, if that makes sense. There are a couple little phrases that are just very direct and don't hit as hard as they should because the language is so plain. A lot of lines read awkwardly and just don't fit very well. It kinda makes the flow a little broken up, it wasn't fluid like it should have been.

Not your best by any means, but still okay. Work on your aim.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
I thought that outside of a few of your images being strong and standing alone well, the whole tone of the piece was very weak. To be frank, I could picture it, but I didn't believe any of the images you were giving me. They just didn't deliver well. A lot of your phrasing and structure stumbled upon itself and made the read very bumpy. It was short, but failed to ever hit a groove even in teh short time it had to convince me that it knew what the hell it was doing. It felt too cut down, like you never got yourself going in a way that allowed you to really deliver what you needed to.

Beyond what I felt was a lack of delivery, I really hated your last line. It trivializes everything you've spent so much time building. I know, I'm not one to speak since I do this all the time, but I felt like what you did there really cuts out the necessity of the first stanzas; specifically the second one. You basically just said what you'd already said, but in a more concise and bold way. Let the undercurrents speak for themselves, don't cut them off.

I don't know, to me, this read like a block piece... where you wanted to write, didn't have much inspiration, found this idea of being next to someone in bed and wanting to protect them and ran with it; but never found your footing in it. I could be off, but that's how it read to me. I'd like to see you revisit this and really clamp down on it and put a touch of Andre in it... as right now it reads very generically and without any pizazz at all.

Any comments on shadow puppets in sig would be appreciated.