#1
A poem im thinking of using in a song or something
okay i re-wrote this
hands full of pieces; fragments of smiles
mirrors full of choice words, held together for miles
our hands wont fit; so break them we will
help me to help you; soothe a shivering chill
the cheap cardboard hearts always seems to fall apart
glue doesn't always hold, because its only made for pretty art
curved fragments are a different kind and never fit together
if not for the pieces, we'd have rain to endeavor
a hand to the mirror and a mirror to the mouth
help me to help you smile at yourself
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....
Last edited by Ir a+infinitive at Oct 4, 2009,
#2
Quote by Ir a+infinitive
A poem im thinking of using in a song or something

hands full of pieces; pieces of smiles - The repetition here doesn't work. Saying a word right after itself, even separated by a semi colon, just reads strange. It can be done,but you didn't do it here. Be careful how you use things like this.
mirrors full of shards, held together for miles - This is a bit vague, for me at least.
our hands wont fit; so break them we will - The messed up syntax is strange, because it is only in this line and doesn't exist anywhere else in the piece. It shows up and then goes away just as quickly, so it really sticks out.
help me to help you; so dysfunctional - I already have gotten that you are a dysfunctional couple; no reason to say it again and, for that matter, say it so straightforward and blunt. This leaves no room for my imagination. You are simply telling me that you are dysfunctional.
we'll cut each other apart; and paste us back together - "paste us back together", coupled with the first half of the line, makes it seem like you are saying "We'll paste us back together", which is extremely incorrect and awkward. "paste ourselves back together" would work much better.
if not for the pieces, we'd be stuck in bad weather - Pieces of what? You already pasted yourselves back together, so what pieces are you talking about? The pieces of the mirror? What does this have to do with bad weather? I can interpret things I read, but only to a certain extent. I can only read what you give me to read, so I can only understand what you give me to understand.
a hand to the mirror and a mirror to the mouth
help me to help you smile at yourself


There are a lot of unnecessary lines in this piece, repeating what you have already said. Every line needs to develop or elaborate the piece further, not restate what you've said. I already inferred from the first couple lines that you were talking about a couple that wasn't working, so there is no need to outright say it. It's just really redundant. The pieces line is either: way too vague, or doesn't make much sense if you are referring to the line before it; you have already said you are pasting yourselves back together, so there shouldn't be any pieces left, should there? If you are referring to something else, I have no idea what it is. You have to remember that a reader can only read words, not minds. Something may make perfect sense in your head because you hold all the pieces to the puzzle of what this is about, but you have to read everything and make sure you are providing enough information for a reader to understand what you're talking about. I could read this and skip over it and not pay much attention to the fact that it doesn't make sense, but I don't want to do that because you put it in the piece, so it's obviously important.

There are a lot of lines that are attempting to be clever but don't quite hit the mark. Such as the first line. Sorry, but that's the way it is. I would like to see you write something more structured that's less chaotic and all over the place. Refine your writing, make it cleaner, sharper. I think you can do it, you just need to work on it. For now, you're a long way off of that WotM nom. :P

Keep writing.

If you wanna c4c, you can crit this:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1209849

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Oct 4, 2009,
#3
im loving the concept of this :3 needs some tweaking though
Mah gear :p

Guitars:
Ibanez RG350DX
BC rich NJ neck thru series warlock
customized epi les paul

Amps:
blackstar ht-5 combo
VOX VT-100

Pedals:
bad dog phaser


"Remember your a WOMBLE!!!"
Quote by Morrie2995
dude you just became my hero. Nice