#1
This isn't finished yet, but I am determined to finish it. I haven't written anything ________ in ages, but this is different. If you're gonna critique, please tear it apart, but also look at the bigger picture.
[font="Palatino Linotype"]
i creep silently amongst this swarm of shadows,
tumbling in the ripples of your coiling hair.
moonlight streaks out over the silky clutter of sheets,
gently spreading like an ink stain in a threateningly lucid world.
our bodies slide upon a glistening sweat,
sparkling as they cool in the midnight breeze,
thrusting our minds back into a lurid focus.
there is no resistance; just an arbitrary clarity.
we are a mechanism, twisting as one
into some grotesque chess piece collage
of human.[/FONT]
#2
I like this. It reminds me of Sea and the Rhythym by Iron and Wine, except not sweet. It gives a sense of a cold/jaded but somehow passionate love. This is definitely worth finishing. My only criticism is that while the imagery does it's job very precisely, you may use too many adjectives. keep it up.
#3
I'm trying to get back as a constant poster at S&L, I haven't posted anything here in a while.

Personally, it was good, but you were very right when you said that it's different. You always have great descriptions in your writing, but here it seemed almost forcibly vivid. There wasn't a ton of emotion behind the words. Some other smaller comments, broken up for easier readability (because that's not my strong suit):

The Good:

- excellently descriptive words and flow
- "twisting" and "grotesque" look great used together here
- "moonlight" and "sheets" both help create a beautiful white image
- alliteration is used nicely

The Bad

- bits seem to be focused on having descriptive wording instead of the description itself
- some parts don't work with the constricted imagery that you're setting up, such as "gently spreading," as I should be thinking of tendrils and jagged imagery instead

The Ugly

- the last line doesn't work at all - sorry

So that's my input. Hopefully it's somewhat useful. Also, glad to see you back and posting for real, man.
#4
Thanks guys. My initial worry was that the thing is too cluttered with adjectives, so I'm gonna go work on that. But it's great to see that what I was hoping to show has hit home. Thank you! Either of you have anything you want me to take a look at?
#5
On the contrary I like the closing line, but I do agree with the previous crit saying that your words and descriptions don't match the imagery that the piece feels it is giving off. I like this though, change up a bit of the words and or descriptions to decide which image you're trying to convey is my only piece of advice. Good vocabulary though.

Crit?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1182619