#1
This is something I just wrote tonight and wanted some feedback. I used to be a member here quite awhile ago but couldnt remember my SN. Anyways guys let me know what you think.


there's a red light district on every corner of every street
There's an empty garden where wandering souls come to rest
there's a crumpled paper, drifting in the wind
with a name attached, that ill never speak again

& there's too many wasted years.
spent on the side roads, spent in the darkness.
& there's too many people unhappy
too many children haunted like me

There's an angry father and a few empty bottles
there's a broken promise and a lover left in the cold
there's an unsigned letter, written for my mother
with one single word I broke her heart.

& there's too many wasted years.
spent on the side roads, spent in the darkness.
& there's too many people unhappy
too many children haunted like me

there's too many children left hungry
too many children standing on the corners
too many mothers left with broken hearts....

and there's too many sheep veiled demons
and not a single angel do I see


Ok that's all... It's acoustic... Kinda a folky sound but I dont really know how to describe it.

Ok after reading and re-reading and over analyzing this work I realized it was wayyy weak.... Here's the new revised verson
Please crit

there's a red light district on every corner of every street street
an empty garden in the back yard where wandering souls come to eat
there's a crumpled paper, drifting in the wind
I wrote down her name, so I'll never hear it again.

and I've spent too many wasted years.
hitching on the side roads, living in the darkness.
thinking in these dirty rest stops
a homeless man turned into a friend.

There's an angry father and a few empty bottles
a broken promise and a lover I left out in the cold
on the kitchen table is an unsigned letter, written for my mother.
I wrote down my answer, So I dont have to see her face.


and I've spent too many wasted years.
hitching on the side roads, living in the darkness.
thinking in these dirty rest stops
a homeless man turned into a friend.

there were too many days I went hungry
too many days standing on the corners
too many mothers with tear stained faces
too many times I've read the words good bye


Lil'
Last edited by profoundxvanity at Oct 5, 2009,
#2
I liked it, BUT... I have one thing that truly bothered me; it's "there are," not "there's."
Would like to hear it put into a song.

In my world, the color RED doesn't exist.

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#3
Haha Ya know, you're right... However when I started singing it thats the word my tongue wanted so I went with it. I'll change it and see how it sounds.
#4
I'm guilty of saying it as well and I end up being bothered by my own silliness

In my world, the color RED doesn't exist.

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#5
Thanks for the crit! I had a little bit of difficulty getting into this piece because of all of the "there's". The grammar of it didn't bother me, it just made it feel a little cold to me, as if it were a list rather than a story or a picture. I liked the idea behind this, but I think I would enjoy it more if it were written in a more personal way. Rather than saying "This is how the world is" I would have loved it if it read like "This is how MY world is". There wasn't anything about this that bothered me, it's just that I didn't feel a pull of emotion when I read this. Although I think that hearing it sung could inject plenty of feeling into it, so if you record it let me know because I'd be interested to hear it. Thanks again for the crit! Peace.