#1
would like some crit, cold if need be


The boys looked for wood for the campfire
While the girls drank back more liquor
And their laughter grew higher.

Glow of a lighter, outlined their faces
Usual suspects huddled in the darkness,
Burning sage sails in night’s empty spaces

They’d start all their bonfires
The way their fathers taught them
Back when they were children
Back Before all this boredom

Teepee stacked branches
Atop the twigs and the grasses,
Crumpled dirty magazines
And a loving dose of gasoline

Another Friday night, rebuilding Ruins.
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
Last edited by Brandon860 at Oct 5, 2009,
#2
I've already given you some input, but I'll add a bit more.

Super small detail, but you should make a decision regarding punctuation. You've used only about 3 punctuation marks, but the presence of those makes me question the lack of others. For an example, the first stanza is kind of a run on sentence without and punctuation except the last sentence which has a period. You use about two commas in the piece, but I feel that you should have just left all three out completely because it doesn't really make that much of a difference if you only have a few in there. It makes me wonder why there aren't any in the third stanza, but some in the rest.

Like I said, super nit picky detail that is really just an annoyance factor on my part, but I didn't want to bump you unless I made some sort of contribution. You know my thoughts on the rest of it already.